Making Lemondade

These days it seems easy to talk about what is limiting us. We have been in a tough economy for three years, the employment landscape is constantly shifting, especially if you work in Financial Services. And yet, there are a lot of people still finding jobs and doing well...yes, within the 99% crowd!

Last Wednesday on the 1 train I was reminded of the power of thinking positive and then acting on it. There was a 17 year old boy playing percussion on a bucket. Really well. When he was done, he gave a pitch that mobilized the entire train to give him money. I've never seen anything like it. He said, "I am not on drugs. I am not homeless. I am not hungry. I am an inner city kid trying to stay out of trouble. If you can give a donation, it will keep me out of trouble until I can find a real job.

Wow. What an amazing choice he made. It can't be easy to decide to go into the subway to make a living. But this young man made a decision that he would take charge of what he can influence, and that was his selling pitch. First, he identified with his audience. By saying he had a place to live, food to eat, and was hard working, he said he was like them. Second, he framed the challenge for the crowd. Instead of chronic unsolvable problems, he presented a short-term, manageable challenge that the people felt they could influence. And third, he spoke from a place of positivity and gratitude. Rather than complain, he talked about the positive things in his life and the influence he wants to have.

So, this is not meant to be a moralistic post about positive thinking. On the contrary. It is meant more as a To Do list to create more positive outcomes. Next time you want something... a new job, a promotion, a relationship, how about asking:

1) What can I express to show that I am like my audience?

2) How can this problem be framed to be achievable? Then, present the call to action.

3) What can I say about the positivity of my situation and the positive impact I want to make on the organization in the future?

Taking small actions from a positive perspective is a powerful way to shift the tide in your favor. Good luck!

The Pace of Change

Last Thursday as I was walking down 66th street, I saw an old and dear friend walking down the block toward me. We were both on cell phones. We saw each other, hesitated as if we might stop, then gave each other a wave and look that said, "Can't talk...let's catch up later." When I told my husband about it, he said, "Wow, that never would have happened in the olden days." Then we both realized: The "olden days" is 1998! It seems unquestionable that we are living in a time of unprecedented change. For so many of us, especially those with children, juggling uncertainty has always been a challenge. Yet the uncertainty we live with today goes much deeper than it has in the past. Many of the foundations that Baby Boomers relied on -- lifetime employment, marriage, economic growth, a phone call instead of a text -- have completely shifted. All this, and a tsunami of information that is almost impossible to sift through. So, how do we create the change we want in our lives, rather than just react to the change and information happening all around us? Maybe the place to start is within. In my very first newsletter I introduced the Wheel of Life, and it seems appropriate to share it again today. Taking a look at each section, what would the experience of that element of your life look like as a perfect 10? Where are you seeing a significant gap between that description and what it looks like today? What would be possible if that section were a perfect 10? And, who would you be? How about planning 2012 with that person in mind?

Year End Push and Pull

This time of year, I find myself in a push-pull dynamic. The expectation of the new year is pushing me forward, but the intense activity of the three months since "back-to-school" is pulling me towards being passive. What can we do to put things in motion so that the New Year can ease in gently? Like the wind-up in a tennis serve, taking a look back can help power your planning. Here are some review questions that are more personal than the typical work review. They are adapted from my own coach (www.coachcat.com) and have been very helpful to me:

Who was I in 2011? At the end of the year versus the beginning?

When was I powerful? What was I doing?

When was I fearful? When did I impede my own progress?

Who/what supported me when I was at my best?

What were my Successes?

What were my Oprah moments?

Where did I fail in my objectives?

Where did I let myself down?

What are the habits I am ready to leave behind?

What changes in myself am I happy about?

What do I see now that I didn't see at the beginning of the year?

I find this exercise indulgent and practical all at once. I hope you enjoy it.

We're the Same...but Different

I loved coming across this article titled, "Centered Leadership: How Talented Women Thrive" in the McKinsey Quarterly. The article presents a model for leadership that is specially designed with women in mind, and it reminded me of a story in my own life.

Years ago when I was in the market for a road bike, I heard about cycles that were specially designed for women. I went to several New York stores and was told that they were a marketing gimmick by salesman after salesman. At one store, the salesman was particularly critical and made me feel quite stupid.

I eventually came across a modest, cool guy at Gotham Bikes near Canal Street and he sold me my Trek model for women. I loved it. Really loved it. It fit me like a glove. In fact, several months later I was on a day trip with the New York Cycle Club. During a break one of the other riders commented on it, saying, "That bike fits you like a glove." I couldn't place him at first, but after a minute or two I realized that it was the salesman who'd made me feel so stupid!

This article spoke to me in the same way. Becoming a leader as a woman takes many of the same tools as it does for men. However, there are subtle ways in which the tools are different, the process is different, or the barriers to seeing and using the tools are different for women. Thank you to those who are doing the hard micro research to figure it out.

Taking Responsibility

Thomas Friedman wrote a article this Sunday called, "How About Better Parents?" In it he says that too many parents demand better teachers, when in fact the biggest difference in children's school performance comes from parent involvement.

Reading the article, it occurred to how much we look to others to take care of so many things in our lives. If we are not happy in our marriage, it's marriage's fault (or the spouse's). If we are not getting promoted at work, it's the company's fault. If we can't get a new job, it's the economy's fault. In many ways, it really is not our fault that we think this way. We live in a society that trains us to believe that products, services, lawyers, even therapists can take care of the tough stuff.

Yet interestingly, the world moves forward around us. So, how do we know when we are falling into the "I'm not responsible" trap? What are you frustrated about? Who do you find yourself being envious of? What messages that you hear annoy you?

A couple of thoughts. Rather than take a blanket approach, what small version of the ideal can you bite off? Even one date with your spouse can have a tremendous effect. One successful project at work, or one lunch with a colleague can really help move things forward. Then, what is the voice telling you that you cannot have what you want? Is it really true? And finally, one master of taking responsibility is Stephen Covey. I am re-reading his Seven Habits and keep finding new inspiration.

Competence and Incompetence

Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to suddenly feel really disconnected from it? Or, like you suddenly don't know anything about anything? Let me introduce you to the Four Stages of Competence, a concept widely used in coaching. The idea is that we begin from unconscious incompetence, or we don't know what we don't know. Think of flying the Space Shuttle. Then we go into conscious incompetence,where we know we don't know, are learning and make lots of mistakes. After that comes conscious competence, where we are doing really well but are still very aware of what we are doing and often still need structures. Finally the holy grail: unconscious competence. Here, we aren't even thinking about it, and it is happening easily, effortlessly. What coaches often forget to tell you is that unconscious competence can feel very disorienting. The "hard" part is no longer there. It can feel like you are not working, and so it can feel unproductive. What's more, reaching a new level of competence is like reaching a base camp on a long climb. It is nice to take a rest, but when you look up and see the next big challenge, you can suddenly feel very small and incompetent all over again. I see it with my clients quite a bit. A sudden feeling that nothing is happening; a release in tension that feels like a rope snapped. What they don't realize is that the hand that was holding the back of the seat is gone and they are now riding the bike all on their own. In my own life, I am in this kind of moment. After three years of working with more than 100 clients, regular teaching workshops and speaking engagements, I am feeling firmly established and confident as a coach. BUT...as I look ahead I am finding that my next peak is just becoming visible out of the fog. It will surely be around using my learning towards Leadership Development in a corporate setting, but exactly what it will look like is still developing. What would it look like to take a moment and appreciate what you have achieved? What competence have you mastered in the last 12 months? What were the signs that you had begun to do it without thinking? What new possibility has that opened for you that did not exist before? Please, take time to rest and celebrate before you take on the next climb!

Girls' Weekend

This weekend I had a girls' weekend with two of my best friends. In the last six years, we have each gone our own way; they have left New York for smaller cities, one is staying home full time to raise her kids, two of us are working moms.

Our two days together had a wonderful arc. Reunion and catch up, fiery debate (some might have said we were fighting!), and ultimately individual affirmation about what each of us has chosen. While we are working through the challenging and rewarding career and family years, all three of us were fighting hard for the perspective we are in. I walked away feeling that we (people) build a successful life by committing to the two or three core values that really bring us alive.

I am not suggesting that we be narrow and systematically rule out alternate perspectives. On the contrary, be open and see what others have to offer. But, having the self-awareness to know your two or three "must haves" makes it possible to always regain sustainable balance.

Glass Ceiling - A Fresh Perspective

I loved this NYT Blog by Sandra Lee. In particular the line, "This 'needs to not be about being put down or at a disadvantage, because you’re not,” she told the audience. “The women are at an advantage — we represent the buying power in this country.' "

Wow! There is something going on out there that feels very Malcolm Gladwell or Freakonomics. On one side, there are so many examples of glass ceiling. On the other side, I hear more and more about graduating classes that are 60% women, deadbeat men, and successful women. I would love to hear where others are on this topic...

Gender Bias and Circle of Influence

For the last three years I have been a coach for high-achieving women in mid-career. Before that I managed my own career in a very female intensive industry -- luxury cosmetics and fragrance marketing.

More recently I have had occasion to talk to women's groups about the challenges of managing their own careers. What I discovered surprised me, and led me to revisit Stephen Covey's concept of the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern. It seems to me that for many women, the issue of gender bias comes up when for whatever reason, their career is in a moment of stall. Maybe the environment has changed. Maybe what got them this far is no longer working.

The women who seem to have it together are the same who don't complain a lot about gender bias. They are proactive about their careers. They realize that gender bias is in what Covey refers to as the Circle of Concern (out of their control). When they encounter difficulties that they feel are gender related, they inform themselves, get feedback, get training or coaching, and address the issue. In doing so they actually expand their Circle of Influence and begin to make headway with the issues in their Circle of Concern.

The other group, frustrated or in a stalled moment in their career, seem to talk a lot about gender bias. They are not wrong. Gender bias is everywhere. It is also largely outside of our circle of influence, and out of our control. These women are in a place of being reactive, not proactive.

I realize that what I am saying won't be acceptable to a lot in the group. I would be interested in hearing how others have experienced the proactive-reactive dynamic in their own careers. I can say with confidence that the proactive periods in my career have been wonderful for me. The moments when I took my eye off the ball, became reactive, were tough. My work with women to simplify career management was born out of those learnings.

The Barber of Seville and Positive Thinking

This weekend I saw The Barber of Seville at the Met. It was fantastic! I loved it! And as I was reading about Rossini's operas, I also realized that I love comic operas, not tragedies. In the Barber of Seville, there is a moment where Rosina doubts the intention of her beloved, Count Almaviva, and almost marries the old Dr. Bartolo. Luckily the moment passes.

It drives me crazy in tragedies when everyone dies or ends up miserable over one tiny mis-step. It is always that one tiny moment where a character loses faith, or lets their negative voices take over that starts the downward spiral. And I hate that.

In coaching we talk a lot about negative voices. They are also referred to as gremlins or saboteurs. I'm sure you know it. It's when you have an idea about something you want to do, or someone you see yourself being, and then once vacation ends, or the lunch with your mentor is over, or you get laid off, the gremlins take over.

This is at the heart of positive thinking and visioning. What we don't realize is that the action we take from a given place actually furthers that reality. Think about it. Ever felt like you'd never get a job, and waste the day surfing the web instead of reaching out to one more potential employer? On the flip side have you, believing that you'd done what was required for a promotion or raise, put together an argument, practiced the right conversation, and gone it to ask for it? Successfully?

The trick is to maintain that positive thinking over an extended period. Change takes time. Staying positive takes work. If you can't do it alone, ask a friend or colleague to hold you accountable and remind you of your dream, or find a coach or counselor to help. Here's another hint...a period of frustration is often a good sign that a change to positive thinking is in order. Good luck!

Know Your Impact

One of the things I see consistently in my new clients is that we, women, don't know the value of our contribution. We take our impact at the office for granted and don't know how to articulate it, let alone get the proper compensation and acknowledgement for it. It is so heartbreaking to see women during a review process, who only ever get into talking about their improvement goals, without ever really discussing their wins and considerable contributions.

The key is to know your impact. Carla Harris, in Expect to Win, talks also about knowing what you are playing for. Too often women go in and just let the boss run the show. Instead we need to know our long term goals, know what we need to get there, know what the boss's expectations are and what we want from the upcoming year. Then we need to have a list of our wins for the year as well as a solid understanding of what that level of achievement is worth to the organization; meaning, how are our colleagues being rewarded for the same work.

It is only when we take the meta-view, redefine the conversation, that we can really begin to drive it.

Our Shifting Heroines

Today I went to the matinee of "I Don't Know How She Does It." Yes, I went to see a movie about an overworked working mom on a Monday, right after drop-off. And yes, the movie got one tomato on Rotten Tomatoes.

Mindless entertainment aside, what struck me as I came out was that Sarah Jessica Parker was such a different heroine from my all-time Go To favorite, Demi Moore in "A Few Good Men." There is no doubt that my life has changed. I saw "A Few Good Men" when I was in business school, and single. Now I am working, have two kids and am running a household with my husband. So perhaps these different heroines appeal to different life stages. That said, I also believe that they appeal to our evolving ideals for what it means to be a powerful woman.

In "A Few Good Men," Demi Moore is in full-on masculine energy. She is tough, much tougher than Tom Cruise or even Jack Nicholson. She is single minded and unwavering. She is also the woman behind the man. In "I Don't Know How She Does It," Sarah Jessica Parker is frantic and spread much too thin. She is also the woman in front of the man. Interesting evolution. What I noticed most in Sarah Jessica's character, is that women today are pushing hard to be in their full identity as women at the office, and not be penalized for it. Now that we are managing so much, the only way we can do it all is if we can really, truly be ourselves and bring it all to every role we play.

Love Your Job Before the Babies Come

For those who missed this New Yorker article about Sheryl Sandberg, I wanted to send it along. Her opinions are powerful and I am fascinated to see women articulating thoughts about the realities for companies when women slow down to care for families.

In particular, I was fascinated by a view I share, which is that if you don't love what you do when your children come, it will be so, so much harder to stay at your job. When my first child arrived, I was long overdue for a career change. Within a year and a half, I took my first course to become a coach and abruptly quit my job after that. Had I only pursued the coaching first, I could have started up my practice with a lot less stress.

Enjoy the article, and please let me know what you think!

The Cinderella Feminist

An article in today’s NYT Magazine caught my eye. It featured the successful screenwriter Aline Brosh McKenna (The Devil Wears Prada) and talked about how she has captured what today’s women really want; Prince Charming is no longer enough. What women want is the mojo that lands them the man and the job:

“McKenna’s take on the fairytale has more in common with classic superhero stories in which the protagonists have secret powers and are waiting for their moment to shine. Cinderella, she said, is ‘ultimately about that feeling people have that if only someone would give them a chance, they would see what they really could do.’ “

I can’t tell you how this resonated with the work I do with my clients. 30-45 year old women in 21^st century America are faced with powerful messages about who they should be. These are messages generated by Baby Boomers (women and men), men full stop, and some very old mythologies that drive the American Dream. The end result is confusion, near debilitating pressure, and often quiet depression.

It seems that so many women today have the nagging feeling that there is something else out there, another way, but they don’t know what it is. Powering through to the Corner Office doesn’t seem quite right. Being home with kids and being the perfect wife and mother doesn’t seem quite right. To me, women like Angelina Jolie are heroines to our generation because they have wrestled with their identiy and ultimately carved their own way. Hilary Clinton, as incredible as she is, feels like someone whose values were limited by a still rigid idea of what was possible.

The heroine, the fully actualized beneficiary of the women’s movement, is the woman who knows herself and is unapologetic about having her own pleasure as an end goal. Not because it gives her the wherewithal to take care of husband, children and parents, but just for her.

With my clients, I find that they become incredibly powerful, not when they follow the model of their predecessors or of men, but when they take the time to find out who they really are, what drives them, and what they want their impact on the world to be. When they hit this sweet spot, it opens them up to enormous possibility. They are more successful at work, in dating, and in friendship. It is hard work, but the results are impressive.

Women at Play

"Caution: Women Playing" was a fantastic article in the New York Times Thursday Styles section a couple of weeks ago. The article highlights a group "that seeks to bring play and fun into the lives of over-scheduled New York women."

As I read the article, I was not at all surprised to see that the group was begun by a French woman in Brooklyn. Having been raised by a French mother myself gave me three things: An unwavering belief that women's personal fulfillment and pleasure are worthy goals in and of themselves, the understanding that we need less, "Just Do It!" and more gentle support, and just enough outside perspective to understand that we don't need to always accept the status quo. Just because our culture, parents, teachers, or the media says it, doesn't mean it's true for us.

So my questions to readers are: What are the things you love to do that you've let go? Think back on your life -- highschool, college, summer camp. If it's difficult to identify (it often is), then what actions can you take to get back in touch with what you like? Meditation, trying new things, changing your schedule, or maybe joining a women's play group!

Ladies, Take the Seat!

The other day I was on a crowded subway. Two attractive women were standing in front of me, chatting, headed home from work. A young 30-something man was next to me, legs splayed out so he took up two seats. Suddenly (I was surprised and impressed), he looked around, noticed the women and popped up to give them their seats.

The two women, automatically and it seemed by reflex, very nicely said thank you, but no. But as soon as the guy got off at the next stop, they took his seat! So really, they did want to sit.

As a coach who works with women on dating, I just have to use this moment to articulate something. You might say that it is old-fashioned to advocate taking a seat, engaging in a game of chivalry, or even flirtation, with a stranger on a subway. Maybe some will say it's demeaning. What I am talking about is something different.

In coaching we talk a lot about intimacy, about letting others see who we are, being vulnerable. Women and men. It's hard, but it lets us connect with the world around us in a much more meaningful way. But when I look around, I see us using the messages of a post-feminist world -- independence, strength, self-reliance, to create an invisible shield around us. In that fleeting moment between the offer of a seat and its flurried acceptance or denial, we aren't actually having a clear thought about what we want. We're really not. And by highjacking that thought process, we miss out on a gentle acknowledgement of our femininity. And that is so important!

Dating is hard, and you need all the acknowledgement you can get. As a single woman, how many times did I get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, only to deny the offer of a seat in a bar or at a party. What was I thinking? I needed the follow through to acknowledge that all the effort I'd made was worth it.

So ladies, next time someone offers you a seat, will you give it some real thought?

How Does a Life Coach Mourn?

On June 27th I got the news that my father had died. It was sudden, but not unexpected. He was 84 and frail, having survived a couple of tough health battles. And, he died in the best possible way for him; sitting down to lunch with a glass of wine in his hand.

In the last few weeks I've thought a lot about how people imagine a life coach would mourn. I wonder if they think that a life coach would be so well adjusted, so full of pent-up happiness, that we would just see the positive, 'celebrate' the person's life, get back to work, and not be enormously sad. While this may sound absurd, it is also in keeping with how positive psychology feeds into our society's pressure to just keep going, keep working, and conceal our feelings.

Three weeks into it, I can tell you how I am mourning. I am mourning by actually taking the time to mourn, to be affected, to slow down and to feel what I feel. Without judgement. That seems to be the most well-adjusted thing to do. I am taking the time each morning to think about my dad, journal about him, write to him, cry, and just get grounded. I have been lucky because my work slows down in summer and because a planned family vacation to Vermont two weeks ago was incredibly restorative. And I am doing things I feel like doing. Going to the movies in the middle of the day, getting a pedicure, playing with my kids, explaining to my kids why I am sad, whatever feels right.

It's funny, not haha funny; I had to fly to France for my dad's funeral. And before going I told everyone that once there, I'd be on the Catholic conveyer belt: Friends gathering, viewing the body, dressing in black, songs, priests, local acquaintances expressing their condolences, everything you need to process this huge sadness and change. But when I got back, the anonymity of New York and the pressure to move forward made me lose my way. So, I looked on line to see what the traditions tell us. From it, I've allowed myself to flounder a bit longer. I'll see how I feel at the one month mark. And I've decided to wear a bracelet for a year, not an armband, but a pretty bracelet that reminds me that I am still vulnerable and need to be gentle with myself. Here are some links:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-iovine/girlfriends-guide-weve-fo_b_264622.html

http://www.ehow.com/how_2032484_mourn-death-parent.html

http://kehillatisrael.net/docs/chevra_timeline.htm

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned #6 & #7

Understand Transferrable Skills

I am always surprised to hear people say, “But I can’t do that job; I don’t know Powerpoint (or Photoshop or how to write a business plan). When you want to transition, you need to look for more general skills that can be used across disciplines. And, you need to understand what the important skills are in the job(s) you are going for. I never realized how critical my 18 years in sales and marketing would be to getting my own coaching practice up and running.

Are you an effective writer? Do you connect easily with people? Are you good at execution? Are you a detail oriented finisher? Do you work better on a project basis, or on maintenance? Are you incredibly patient? Do you embrace the challenge of politics in a large organization? Are you unflappable and would do well in a start-up situation? All of these are the kinds of skills that are invaluable across job functions, companies and industries. To better understand your transferrable skills, try looking at Strengthsfinder 2.0 or at Please Understand Me II, which interprets the Myers-Briggs profiles.

Be Strategic

While I was in business school a professor said, “Surround yourself with good people and your career will make itself.” I would add one dimension to that. ‘Good people’ doesn’t just mean people who have been successful in their work. It means people who believe in you. If you are joining a company where others have more experience than you do, make sure that you have advocates with decision making power. Coming with experience or knowledge that the company is looking for is even better. In the first year or two, you need some wiggle room to learn and make the occasional mistake. Feeling protected will keep stress levels down. For a great description of support systems in an organization, see Carla Harris’s, “Expect to Win.”

As professionals who have invested so much time and effort into our training and education, I believe that we should be allowed to pursue careers that we love. My own experience has been one of peeling away of the layers of the onion until I found what suited me best. We don’t have to know what we want to do at age 22 or even 27, but if we want sustainable career satisfaction, we may need to make the occasional adjustment.

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned #4 & #5

Get Support

The same week that I took my first coaching course, I hired a coach. A lot of us underestimate our need for support, or think that we are weak for needing it. This is simply not true. One of the first things my coach told me was, “Get a group of friends who believe in you as a coach and small business owner. They will be your sounding board.“ A lot of people will test you and cause you to have doubts when you transition. Make sure you have a few close, reliable people to bounce ideas off of as you are exploring and making your decisions.

Understand Transferrable Skills

I am always surprised to hear people say, “But I can’t do that job; I don’t know Powerpoint (or Photoshop or how to write a business plan). When you want to transition, you need to look for more general skills that can be used across disciplines. Things like effective communication, ability to influence, ability to synthesize information, understanding of how to research are all broader transferrable skills, and are present even in what we do outside of work. And, you need to understand what the important skills are in the job(s) you are going for. I never realized how critical my 18 years in sales and marketing would be to getting my own coaching practice up and running.

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned #3

Keep the Faith

It’s amazing. Very likely, most of us are high-achieving people. And yet it is so easy to get into the thinking that if we leave our job, we will be a nobody. What I have actually seen, again and again with my clients and with my own transitions, is that our sense of performance and delivery actually transfers from expertise to expertise. With time, you will rise to the same level you enjoyed in your previous job. And if you love your new job more, you will likely rise higher.

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned #2

Put Your Hypotheses to the Test – In Increments

There is a term at the coaching program I followed*, “Forward the action, deepen the learning.” If you really want to figure out what’s next, try some things out. I don’t mean taking a course, though that can be a part of it. I mean actually do it. So many people dream of opening a B&B, painting, or becoming a life coach. Yet they do nothing to explore the possibility. They think that once they quit their job, their full-time focus will make it happen. Or, some say they have no idea what they want to do instead of their current job. Again, they don’t take time to expore their interests and impulses. Do you dream of becoming a chef? Cater an event or two for a charity you are involved with. See what you learn. Do you dream of being a ski instructor? Do it part-time for a season. Do you want to become an architect? Try designing your own renovation. Or, just volunteer for an industry group or do a part-time internship to see whether you like the job, or even the industry.

For previous tips, see my earlier blog posts: http://www.clearstrategycoaching.blogspot.com/

Being More Productive

I love reading Tony Schwartz's blogs. Not just because his tools and techniques are great, but because he has a very human approach. He advocates that the myth of the 24-hour a day super hero employee is just that, a myth...

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned

Last month I was asked by the Columbia Business School Alumni Office to share my thoughts on career transition. As a coach who has personally transitioned twice, I have learned a few things. This entry is the first of several tips:

While an absolute majority of Columbia Business School alumni work in consulting and finance (65%), more than a third work in other fields. As a coach, cosmetics industry veteran, and multiple career shifter, I have been in the “other” category my entire career and have coached numerous professionals into careers outside of financial services and management consulting.

At various times in my career I found myself deeply appreciating what I had learned at Columbia (during my brand management days) and then wondering how I’d ended up at B-School in the first place (standing with eight fragrance modifications on my outstretched arms while my client and colleagues smelled me). Many business school graduates, either because of heavy student loan burdens, or for reasons of prestige and achievement, pursue careers in Financial Services or Consulting. For some, these careers offer a very satisfying career path. For others who find their interest waning, the transition can be a challenge. How do you make a change when a) You haven’t had the time to cultivate side interests, or don’t even know what they are and b) You don’t see how you will pay the bills in a post-Finance career? Here are a few of my thoughts:

Take the Long View

Good transitions take thought and time. In my experience, it takes two years to learn a new job in a new discipline. We’ve all heard the stories of the investment banker who quits and starts his own vineyard. Yet ask him about the road to success and you will hear about some real white-knuckle moments. The “98% perspiration” needs time. I experienced this first hand as I developed my own coaching practice. My timeline quickly went from one year to two years, and I had to ask myself if I really wanted it.

If you are looking to start a business, stay in your current job, or shift to part-time or consulting until you have traction in the new area. If you are looking for a new job, extend your timeline. You may need to look longer to find a company willing to take a chance on you. Or you may need to volunteer or intern to prove you are serious. Either way, don’t set yourself up for failure by taking the lottery approach.

Ah... There We Go!

For years I've been reading and hearing about happiness and positive psychology. But there was always something that didn't make sense. I mean, where are these people jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah right after he met Katie Holmes? And, how can so many studies say that people with children are less happy, when in their older years they all seem to say that their greatest happiness was having children?

In last week's New York Times there was an article called, "Beyond Happiness." Finally, something that makes sense. Martin Seligman's new dimensions for measuring happiness come so much closer to something human. He now identifies: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment. I love the last two in particular.

I've heard more that one person say that the time they spent taking care of a dying parent was the most difficult, and the most fulfilling, time in their lives. They had meaning. And as far as the last part, I was fascinated reading the Tiger Mom's article when she said roughly that not pushing her kids meant robbing them of the joy of accomplishment.

In my own work, I focus on helping clients click into the life they are supposed to have, get in the driver's seat, find themselves. The metaphors are varied. But what I don't do is push them to experience each and every day as perfection. It's too much pressure! What's more, creating change, evolving towards greater fulfillment, usually requires a level of discomfort and possibly temporary unhappiness.

So how do you distinguish unhappiness from delayed gratification? When do you know you are due for real change, and not just spinning your wheels? One big one is a purpose statement. When you are 80, what impact do you want your life to have had? If what you are doing now contributes to that in some way, great! If you know that what you are doing isn't feeding that purpose, a change, bit or small, may be in order.

A Job Fit For a Queen

This weekend I wasn't quite glued to the TV, but I did find myself spending a couple of languid hours enjoying the re-runs of the royal wedding.

Like many people, I love the rituals of wedding and royalty. But, giving it some thought this morning I realized that what drew me in was more than that. By all appearances, Kate Middleton is a woman who has found the right career fit. She fully understands her role, her responsibilities, and the culture within the "organization" she has joined. Her performance was flawless on Friday. Her energy felt like the nervous excitement that comes when you know exactly what to do, and are challenged to do it well.

As a coach I have experienced, and seen in clients, the difference between being stiff and awkward, unable to trust your instincts and being "in flow" at work. There is something so wonderful about witnessing a person's transition from the former to the latter. Knowing, and doing, what is right frees up deep energy resources. It makes everything easier and opens us up to enormous possibility.

"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You..."

A friend shared this speech by Elizabeth Coleman, president of Bennington College, which to me carries the game changing perspective shift of the sort that John F. Kennedy presented in his 1961 inauguration speech.

I'm sure that the points of view around this article will be rich and varied. From the coaching point of view, there is something so important here and that is the notion of purpose. When I read about how many of us rely on medication, I can't help feeling that it's because we've gotten so far from a life that makes sense to us, that we don't know where else to turn. The truth is that as human beings we need to live a life of purpose, where we have an impact that we own and can be proud of. Without that, it's all just empty calories.

Take a look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG6bqY9htoU

Soft Focus

A friend sent me this article on Obliquity, a new book by John Kay of the Oxford Business School. The article suggests that having a focus other than happiness actually gives us much more access to happiness. It also suggests that taking good care of your customers, rather than focusing on profits, is a much more effective path to success. What a novel idea for the salespeople who have been taught to set goals and focus, focus, focus on reaching them. Imagine, actually doing the right thing as a path to success!

I call this idea is Soft Focus. When we have well-defined long terms goals, that are based on our values, our efforts have a way of aligning themselves toward accomplishing those goals. And we don't even really have to think about them. What is more, for most of us purpose and giving back are present somewhere in our value system. So, do the right thing, know where you are going, and your career will make itself. Again, seems novel right?

Urgent Distractions

Yesterday a client (who agreed to my writing this) came to me with a lot of emotion around work. In fact, the communication was so urgent, so emphatic, that I might have thought the client was in danger of being fired.

As we talked it became clear, little by little, that the work issues were not nearly as dire as they seemed. In fact, the client was using the work issues as a distraction. The client had agreed to a daunting health improvement plan. And as our discussion went back and forth, I recognized a telltale and common response to challenge: Avoidance.

Have you ever found yourself getting embroiled in office politics, making an issue of a simple misunderstanding with a friend or family member, or, even more tricky, reaching out to help someone who may be more appropriately helped by someone closer to them? These are tricky. Unlike surfing the web or chatting with a friend when we should be working, these scenarios are rich with emotional intensity. They can seem urgent, unavoidable.

My suggestions are first, to know yourself. What kinds of situations draw you in? And second, know your projects. What thing that you want to be doing keeps getting pushed aside? Is it too hard? Do you need to break it down? Do you need to tackle it in a different way? What can you do to make you keep your focus?

Being Yourself and Getting Promoted

I love this Fast Company article titled, "Eight Things You Can Learn About Success From Lady Gaga." Specifically I am drawn to things #3 and #4 which I take to mean be yourself and connect with people.

Several of my clients came to me, frustrated at work, because they were afraid to be themselves. Working in a corporate environment, by default, meant fitting into a mold. Yet those same clients, when we focused on how they could be more authentic at work, got incredible traction. Being yourself and connecting as yourself makes you more confident, makes people listen to what you have to say, and brings out your leadership qualities.

What is the part of you that you leave home? What could you do to show more of yourself at the office? And what communication skills could you learn to make it easier to take that leap?

Taking It Easy as a Success Strategy

On February 28th, the New York Times had a great article on self-compassion: "Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges." I loved the article because it is such a good example of what coaching, specifically life coaching, is about. I work with high-achieving women. And when I see someone who is stuck, or feeling unproductive, it is almost always because she is being too hard on herself. The reality is that we are all doing so much, and at very high levels of complexity. A little support and acknowledgement can do wonders for taking away the paralyzing judgement, and liberating our productive, creative energy.

The Post-Enjolie Feminist

A year and a half ago my coach asked me, "What is it to be a powerful woman?" Given how long it's taken to find the answer, I'd have to start with, "Respecting a feminine process, gestation, versus a masculine one, pulling the trigger.

This week, in a conversation with a man, I had to articulate my coaching approach. I realized that I was also describing who I am as a woman.

I am a woman who traveled on my own to Madagascar, China, and the far reaches of Indonesia. I am a woman who slept in the park in Pamplona so that I could see the running of the bulls. I am a woman who hopped on my bike and rode from New Haven to Boston by myself over three days. But I am also a woman who knits, cooks most of the meals at home, and always prefers my husband to get the check.

It sounds like a cliche from the Enjolie perfume campaign: "I can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan...and never, never let you forget you're a man..." And from what I see in all of the articles about our supposed unhappiness, this surface description is one that can lead to high levels of stress and not much satisfaction.

So, what is the difference between "doing it all" on paper, and actually being happy about it? To me this is at the heart of being a powerful woman. To me being powerful means not just knowing what you want, but finding the courage to be OK with it. Is it wrong to want to be cherished by my husband? Is it wrong to want to be in a key decision making role at work? And being powerful means knowing what you want in a world with so many pressured messages. Does being a good mother mean that I have to stay home full-time? At work, do I have to keep pushing because an earlier generation paved the way?

After reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, I felt lucky to have been raised by a French mother. In French culture, broadly speaking, a woman's pleasure is an accepted goal. Whether that pleasure comes from caring for children or having a career that she is passionate about is not the point. A woman has the right to pursue her own satisfaction; in fact, she has a right to consider it at all. When I hear women have decided to stay at home because, "I was making a fraction of what my husband was making, so it didn't make sense," it makes me sad. A woman should be allowed to go to work because she enjoys it, not just because of the income!

So the answer to where power lies seems to be not so much in what we do, but in how we do it. Just like for men, power comes when we create our life, rather than reacting to it all the time. For me it's not, "I am a world traveler BUT I knit," rather it is, "I am a world traveler AND I knit." Weaving it all together my way is where we get the nourishment we need. And when we are well nourished, we have the energy to be our best for our organization, our family and our community.

Effective Communication (March Newsletter)

The other day I was at Pinkberry getting a frozen yogurt. I was the only person in the small store, which was about 15' x 20'. The clerk, also alone, seemed new and very enthusiastic. When he took my order, he said, "Your name?!" I smiled inwardly but then told him, gave him money, and got my receipt. He turned around, took the printed order from a machine, made my frozen yogurt and handed it to me with a smile and a, "There you go!"

Had it been a skit on Saturday Night Live, it couldn't have been more perfect. Thank God he didn't shout, "Claire?!" into the air.

So what do we make of this? I see companies trying so hard to create a sense of intimacy, that they totally miss the possibility for good old-fashion communication. And I also see a twist on this in our work lives. Often at work, we use the excuse of "being professional" to hide from confrontation. The problem is that doing so also prevents effective communication, and effective leadership. Who hasn't:

• Withheld a comment or opinion because it might rock the boat, only to see a valued relationship deteriorate?
• Avoided a conversation with someone because you are simply sure that the person is: a) a jerk b) too fragile c) please fill here.
• Not communicated praise or constructive criticism, only to end up with a subordinate who knows something is wrong, but is confused and nervous.

Small actions (or inactions) can have enormous consequences. In a NYT article yesterday on the management at Google, they talk about eight major rules to being an effective manager. Number 5 addresses good communication head on. But number's 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 are also closely linked to good communication. And, one of the three pitfalls of managers is "Spend too little time managing and communicating."

So, how do we learn how to communicate effectively? It can feel challenging, awkward, too touchy feely, or frankly like an accident waiting to happen. My friend Joann Baney, who I work with at Columbia, wrote a book, Guide To Interpersonal Communication on the topic. It is an excellent resource for learning how to take the emotion out of communication and help you learn how, with experience, to communicate effectively.

Have a wonderful March, and I'll see you in April!

Claire

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/business/13hire.html?scp=2&sq=google&st=cse

The Discomfort Zone

One of my clients sent me this article, then my husband left the hard copy on my desk. I guess they know what I like!

The attached article from last Saturday's New York Times, "Tiptoeing Out of One's Comfort Zone" talks about how we are at our most productive when we are feeling just slightly challenged. Many of us do this naturally. In some cases, companies keep us on a fairly regular learning curve so that we are always at our most productive.

What the article doesn't address is the stress of more radical change. At a time when people change jobs every two to three years, and can expect to have a major career shift five times in their life, it is beyond mildly uncomfortable. It can be excruciating. And risky.

Coaches work with clients to smooth these times of major transition. They keep the client feeling confident, and that they are doing the right thing. Whether is it personal coaching for a job change, executive coaching for a big internal promotion, or another situation entirely, most of us need support. Our natural tendency is to avoid discomfort, and yet the world we live in demands it. I've had a coach and am a coach and so my advice is if you want to make a major change, get a coach!

When Inaction Poses the Greatest Risk

Last Monday's New York Times had an article entitled "When Self-Knowledge is only the Beginning" about the limits of self-awareness. I love what this article says -- that knowing why you are stuck or depressed doesn't, in an of itself, resolve the problem. This goes to the heart of coaching. Coaches assume that you need to take different action to get different outcomes.

If you are having trouble balancing work and life, it's not enough to know that your very demanding parents made it impossible for you to leave the office until midnight. To solve the issue, you have to set limits with your boss and stick to them. This can be very uncomfortable, but the learning is immense. The same goes with getting into relationships. Knowing that you don't trust men/women because an opposite sex parent was unavailable won't, in and of itself, make you date with ease. You need to change habits and approach, and then evaluate what you learn from it.

One of the most important things a coach does is to support a client through this process of changing habits. It is natural to hit obstacles and roadblocks when we try to do things differently. And so often we take an impediment as proof that the change isn't working. We give up. A good coach helps the client see the learning, keep the faith, and ultimately expand the successful new behavior.

Cooking With Earplugs

A few weeks ago, between her birthday in early December and Christmas, my daughter had a bad couple of days. She was overstimulated with gifts, sweets, anticipation, expectation and reality. One evening after 36 hours of almost constant whining or tantrums, and repeated attempts to soothe her, I checked out. Making dinner, I decided I just needed a few minutes to regain my composure. So I cooked with earplugs in. It muffled the noise just enough so that I could think straight and make dinner.

I bring it up because I just know there's a beautiful metaphor in here. Specifically, I believe, it is around taking away limiting beliefs, or the constant noise, so that we can think straight and get a clear understanding of what we want, in and for our lives. I think that we underestimate the pressure of the discourse that makes us maintain the status quo. Whether it's corporate America and the focus on "areas for improvement," our own stories handed down from our families of origin, or the constant badgering from the media, the "can't do it" messages are powerful. Many of us think that we are stronger than these influences. Worse, we blame ourselves when we aren't able to rise above them. Yet when the messages are as loud and urgent as a crying child, it is almost impossible to shut them out.

One of the first things I do with clients is to hand them metaphorical earplugs. By shutting out the noise, and only by shutting out the noise, can we take the first step towards imagining what it would feel like to truly be alive.

Professional Eating

In December I had lunch with a friend who is a professional chef who specializes in organic, fresh cooking. She suggested Kinshop in Greenwich Village. It was delicious and we had a wonderful time. A couple of weeks later, I had lunch there with my husband and while the food was delicious again, the experience lacked the transcendental quality that it had with Katy. Sorry Sean.

It got me to thinking about what it means to be a professional at cooking and eating, and what lessons a coach can infer from it. Eating with my friend is so much about process. We didn't spend our time fussing over the flavors and ingredients, though we did notice and acknowledge them. We let the food be a part, but only a part, of the whole. Equally important were the conversation, the manners and rituals that honored the great cooking, and the flow of the meal.

So what it is to let connection, ritual and flow live in what we do? At work? In social life? In leisure? Some people are happy to run on a treadmill at the gym with all of its odors and loud music. I can't help feeling that a bike ride or run, with a friend, at our own pace, by the river is so much more pleasant. The light, air and beauty of nature are so nourishing. And exercising so that we feel renewed and refreshed, not exhausted, is so exhilarating. Letting process and substance work creates rhythms that are sustainable, that actually strengthen and don't deplete us.