In Friday's New York Times Patricia Cohen had an article about delayed adulthood. It talks about how turning 21 no longer qualifies as a transition to adulthood. Traditionally, the model was that a person would turn 21, finish their studies, get a job, and marry within a few years. Now, people continue to study, and pursue long term professional goals so that marrying and family has become a lifestyle choice rather than a rite of passage.

The passage that stood out to me was this:

The stretched-out walk to independence is rooted in social and economic shifts that started in the 1970s, including a change from a manufacturing to a service-based economy that sent many more people to college, and the women’s movement, which opened up educational and professional opportunities.

I love this important shift in the rhetoric of career versus marriage. A few years ago, and even now, I read so often that women had chosen career over family. But I believe that for my generation, that was not quite right. My sense is that we did what was expected of us. Feminists were so enthused about the possibility of working that they consciously and unconsciously pushed their daughters to pursue professional achievement. No one was thinking what impact this might have on family. When I was 35 and longed for a family, I remember thinking, "When did I choose to put career first? I just did what I was told. I never thought I'd be here worrying that I might never have a family." (Note the following comment from the subject of the article: “That probably did have an influence,” she added, since her mother always encouraged her to get an education and have a career.) So what is the lesson here? I always say, change is good...particularly the massive changes of the last 50 years. But, we now have to work to rebalance the change and pull a new, more effective equilibrium from the fallout.

No doubt many saw last Sunday's NYT article about technology and multi-tasking. On the blog were many comments questioning whether the distractions of technology were in fact making us less efficient. We are a society geared toward production, so it is logical that people's main concern would be the risk to our thinking from multi-tasking.

From a different perspective, two things strike me about this article:

First, the photos show a couple at the breakfast table ignoring each other and talks at length about vacations ruined because of a husband's obsession with technology. So the question is, what is never pausing doing to our relationships? Can we really give one another the kind of support and acknowledgement that we need to grow and thrive when we are listening with one ear and checking email with the other?

Second, why do we all insist on doing everything at once? Many working mothers say, "You can have it all, just not at the same time." Well, whether it's balancing work and family life, getting the next promotion, developing a solid relationship, or traveling the world, focus is such a gift. When we limit ourselves to a few things at a time and avoid spreading ourselves too thin, each experience can be so much fuller and richer. Being present is a wonderful gift to the self.

The New Normal

In the two years that I have been coaching, there are three areas that I have been drawn to. The first, helping women optimize their careers. Finding what they are most passionate about, negotiating salary and title, managing office politics, or developing their own businesses. The second has been helping women find a relationship. I love strategizing about this and helping them overcome the fears and obstacles associated with the process. And the third, largely because of my recent experience, is around maternity leave and the obvious disconnect between the totally inadequate support in Corporate America and the reality that half of the workforce is now women. But for all this time, these topics have seemed so unrelated.

Very recently, however, it has fallen into place. In the last 50 years, there has been massive change in the US, both socially and economically. We saw feminism, civil rights, divorce on a mass scale, layoffs on a mass scale, globalization, geographic mobility, and technology and these movements, while overwhelmingly positive, have destabilized our expectations and ways of doing things. Women have been working alongside men, in the current iteration, for 30+ years. It is time for a merit-based system that finally recognizes womens' management styles and respects our softer negotiating skills. In relationships, people need to stop beating themselves up for struggling to find someone and learn how feminism has shifted how we court. I got this idea from Getting To I Do by Patricia Allen who may seem conservative, but has some very interesting perspectives. And finally, with working mothers now squarely entrenched in work, companies need to see the cost of having them leave in frustration when they could be valued long-term employees.

To me it's no accident that in the last presidential election, both democrats and republicans were talking about the need for a new reality. Our corporate systems were developed by depression and war-era children, and later by baby boomers. The formula was that you worked hard, postponed gratification, and enjoyed a beautiful retirement with your spouse. The problem is that today's middle management and up and comers lived through seeing marriage and lifetime employment go out the window. They don't trust these institutions and are not willing to postpone gratification indefinitely. The massive social, economic and geographic changes have left us with a perfect storm of life challenges, often without the support network of family and friends who understand. We are learning more and more that this new reality does respond favorably to a new kind of support. Life Coaching helps individuals regain control in a sea of uncertainty and pressure, and provides the tools and support to begin living a fulfilling and balanced life, on their terms.

The Good News About Equal Pay

About a month ago, I posted a discussion on my LinkedIn groups about Equal Pay Day that talked about how women still make 77 cents on the dollar compared to men. I don't know about you, but it felt to me first, not quite possible, and second, depressing! How can we fix 23% when we are already working so hard?

So here's the good news. On Friday, May 14th the NY Times published an article about a Harvard research study that says that the real number is closer to 92 cents on the dollar. Hooray! The study addressed the 'not quite possible' piece I'd been stuck on. According to Hannah Riley Bowles, the study's author, 'Part of the pay gap can be easily explained away. Women are more likely to leave the work force to care for children, for example, so they end up with fewer years of experience. Men also tend to work in highter-paying occupations and industries."

So while the article seemed to take a view that it's unfortunate that we still don't negotiate well enough to make up for the $.08, I was so encouraged. I mean really, with a little strategy and planning, can't we learn to negotiate better and close this relatively small gap?

Here is the link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/15/your-money/15money.html

Yesterday I read a great blog in the Huffington Post and wanted to share it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/srinivasan-pillay/how-to-be-determined-and_b_552632.html

The post is about determination, but it's really about pacing yourself. For the last year and a half or so most of us have been living with tremendous uncertainty. Even those who have steady work are seeing how reduced consumer spending is affecting our companies' bottom lines, our 401k's...you know the drill. So, knowing that we still have some distance to run, we need to find a way to pace ourselves for the long haul. I think this coach has some great advice.

Don't Try This at Home!

As a serious non-drug user, I always found the thought of trying LSD and mushrooms titillating, but terrifying. I wanted the experience and learning without what I perceived to be the risk of addiction or losing my mind. An article in this week's NY Times titled "Hallucinogens Have Scientists Tuning In Again" gave me such a kick, and made me realize that I wasn't totally wrong. What the article said reminded me so much of what coaching is about.

Apparently, under controlled conditions, scientists at Johns Hopkins and other universities are finding that patients who have taken hallucinogens have had a profound and lasting change to the way that they view themselves and the world. A fundamental and on-going change in perspective. One patient is quoted as saying, "It was a whole personality shift for me. I wasn't any longer attached to my performance and trying to control things. I could see that the really good things in life will happen if you just show up and share your natural enthusiasms with people." Wow! That is the sentiment that got me.

The idea resonated with me on two levels. First, imagine being able, in a short time, to get out of the ways of thinking that block us? The 'stories' we've told ourselves for years about how things are, what we can and can't do? What a liberating change in perspective! And second, imagine really being yourself, "sharing your natural enthusiasms." People spend so much time and energy creating masks. It's counter-intuitive for most of us, but when we actually let our authentic selves show, we connect so much more easily. And, when the two work together: Being in a perspective of feeling powerful, plus really knowing your authentic self...the possibilities are endless.

The Need for Community

This week I was struck twice by how much people are looking for community. The first time was last Sunday, when I read the New York Times article "Honey, Don't Bother Mommy. I'm Too Busy Building My Brand." I found myself trying to make sense of the number of hits people get by writing about a run in their stocking, or their kid's spilling food all over himself. But the truth is, there is something in the air, a deep need for connection, that makes people want to know that someone out there is going through the same thing they are. My question is, "What is going on that makes everyone think they are the only one, or that what they are doing is strange?" Don't most of us know that if we are doing something, it's probably normal?

My second surprise was going to a charity knitting evening sponsored by a work/family balance life coach here on the Upper West Side. Knitting for charity? I was sure I'd be the only one to show up. But there were five other women there! Sitting with the group was lovely. I was reminded of being in the Hamptons on a rainy Saturday years ago, doing a puzzle with a friend and chatting. The puzzle work was just enough to keep our minds busy, so that we could just be together and talk. It is such a sweet and simple memory, yet it was so powerful.

Is it that our To Do lists keep us engaged in activities that separate us from one another? Is it that we don't put enough importance on connection? Is it that we are so pushed to conforming to fit the corporate workplace, that we can't be ourselves? This entry has more questions than answers. But I do believe that we need to work harder to put ourselves in situations where we can be ourselves, feel supported, and connect on a deeper level.