Our Shifting Heroines

Today I went to the matinee of "I Don't Know How She Does It." Yes, I went to see a movie about an overworked working mom on a Monday, right after drop-off. And yes, the movie got one tomato on Rotten Tomatoes.

Mindless entertainment aside, what struck me as I came out was that Sarah Jessica Parker was such a different heroine from my all-time Go To favorite, Demi Moore in "A Few Good Men." There is no doubt that my life has changed. I saw "A Few Good Men" when I was in business school, and single. Now I am working, have two kids and am running a household with my husband. So perhaps these different heroines appeal to different life stages. That said, I also believe that they appeal to our evolving ideals for what it means to be a powerful woman.

In "A Few Good Men," Demi Moore is in full-on masculine energy. She is tough, much tougher than Tom Cruise or even Jack Nicholson. She is single minded and unwavering. She is also the woman behind the man. In "I Don't Know How She Does It," Sarah Jessica Parker is frantic and spread much too thin. She is also the woman in front of the man. Interesting evolution. What I noticed most in Sarah Jessica's character, is that women today are pushing hard to be in their full identity as women at the office, and not be penalized for it. Now that we are managing so much, the only way we can do it all is if we can really, truly be ourselves and bring it all to every role we play.

Love Your Job Before the Babies Come

For those who missed this New Yorker article about Sheryl Sandberg, I wanted to send it along. Her opinions are powerful and I am fascinated to see women articulating thoughts about the realities for companies when women slow down to care for families.

In particular, I was fascinated by a view I share, which is that if you don't love what you do when your children come, it will be so, so much harder to stay at your job. When my first child arrived, I was long overdue for a career change. Within a year and a half, I took my first course to become a coach and abruptly quit my job after that. Had I only pursued the coaching first, I could have started up my practice with a lot less stress.

Enjoy the article, and please let me know what you think!

The Cinderella Feminist

An article in today’s NYT Magazine caught my eye. It featured the successful screenwriter Aline Brosh McKenna (The Devil Wears Prada) and talked about how she has captured what today’s women really want; Prince Charming is no longer enough. What women want is the mojo that lands them the man and the job:

“McKenna’s take on the fairytale has more in common with classic superhero stories in which the protagonists have secret powers and are waiting for their moment to shine. Cinderella, she said, is ‘ultimately about that feeling people have that if only someone would give them a chance, they would see what they really could do.’ “

I can’t tell you how this resonated with the work I do with my clients. 30-45 year old women in 21^st century America are faced with powerful messages about who they should be. These are messages generated by Baby Boomers (women and men), men full stop, and some very old mythologies that drive the American Dream. The end result is confusion, near debilitating pressure, and often quiet depression.

It seems that so many women today have the nagging feeling that there is something else out there, another way, but they don’t know what it is. Powering through to the Corner Office doesn’t seem quite right. Being home with kids and being the perfect wife and mother doesn’t seem quite right. To me, women like Angelina Jolie are heroines to our generation because they have wrestled with their identiy and ultimately carved their own way. Hilary Clinton, as incredible as she is, feels like someone whose values were limited by a still rigid idea of what was possible.

The heroine, the fully actualized beneficiary of the women’s movement, is the woman who knows herself and is unapologetic about having her own pleasure as an end goal. Not because it gives her the wherewithal to take care of husband, children and parents, but just for her.

With my clients, I find that they become incredibly powerful, not when they follow the model of their predecessors or of men, but when they take the time to find out who they really are, what drives them, and what they want their impact on the world to be. When they hit this sweet spot, it opens them up to enormous possibility. They are more successful at work, in dating, and in friendship. It is hard work, but the results are impressive.

Women at Play

"Caution: Women Playing" was a fantastic article in the New York Times Thursday Styles section a couple of weeks ago. The article highlights a group "that seeks to bring play and fun into the lives of over-scheduled New York women."

As I read the article, I was not at all surprised to see that the group was begun by a French woman in Brooklyn. Having been raised by a French mother myself gave me three things: An unwavering belief that women's personal fulfillment and pleasure are worthy goals in and of themselves, the understanding that we need less, "Just Do It!" and more gentle support, and just enough outside perspective to understand that we don't need to always accept the status quo. Just because our culture, parents, teachers, or the media says it, doesn't mean it's true for us.

So my questions to readers are: What are the things you love to do that you've let go? Think back on your life -- highschool, college, summer camp. If it's difficult to identify (it often is), then what actions can you take to get back in touch with what you like? Meditation, trying new things, changing your schedule, or maybe joining a women's play group!

Ladies, Take the Seat!

The other day I was on a crowded subway. Two attractive women were standing in front of me, chatting, headed home from work. A young 30-something man was next to me, legs splayed out so he took up two seats. Suddenly (I was surprised and impressed), he looked around, noticed the women and popped up to give them their seats.

The two women, automatically and it seemed by reflex, very nicely said thank you, but no. But as soon as the guy got off at the next stop, they took his seat! So really, they did want to sit.

As a coach who works with women on dating, I just have to use this moment to articulate something. You might say that it is old-fashioned to advocate taking a seat, engaging in a game of chivalry, or even flirtation, with a stranger on a subway. Maybe some will say it's demeaning. What I am talking about is something different.

In coaching we talk a lot about intimacy, about letting others see who we are, being vulnerable. Women and men. It's hard, but it lets us connect with the world around us in a much more meaningful way. But when I look around, I see us using the messages of a post-feminist world -- independence, strength, self-reliance, to create an invisible shield around us. In that fleeting moment between the offer of a seat and its flurried acceptance or denial, we aren't actually having a clear thought about what we want. We're really not. And by highjacking that thought process, we miss out on a gentle acknowledgement of our femininity. And that is so important!

Dating is hard, and you need all the acknowledgement you can get. As a single woman, how many times did I get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, only to deny the offer of a seat in a bar or at a party. What was I thinking? I needed the follow through to acknowledge that all the effort I'd made was worth it.

So ladies, next time someone offers you a seat, will you give it some real thought?

How Does a Life Coach Mourn?

On June 27th I got the news that my father had died. It was sudden, but not unexpected. He was 84 and frail, having survived a couple of tough health battles. And, he died in the best possible way for him; sitting down to lunch with a glass of wine in his hand.

In the last few weeks I've thought a lot about how people imagine a life coach would mourn. I wonder if they think that a life coach would be so well adjusted, so full of pent-up happiness, that we would just see the positive, 'celebrate' the person's life, get back to work, and not be enormously sad. While this may sound absurd, it is also in keeping with how positive psychology feeds into our society's pressure to just keep going, keep working, and conceal our feelings.

Three weeks into it, I can tell you how I am mourning. I am mourning by actually taking the time to mourn, to be affected, to slow down and to feel what I feel. Without judgement. That seems to be the most well-adjusted thing to do. I am taking the time each morning to think about my dad, journal about him, write to him, cry, and just get grounded. I have been lucky because my work slows down in summer and because a planned family vacation to Vermont two weeks ago was incredibly restorative. And I am doing things I feel like doing. Going to the movies in the middle of the day, getting a pedicure, playing with my kids, explaining to my kids why I am sad, whatever feels right.

It's funny, not haha funny; I had to fly to France for my dad's funeral. And before going I told everyone that once there, I'd be on the Catholic conveyer belt: Friends gathering, viewing the body, dressing in black, songs, priests, local acquaintances expressing their condolences, everything you need to process this huge sadness and change. But when I got back, the anonymity of New York and the pressure to move forward made me lose my way. So, I looked on line to see what the traditions tell us. From it, I've allowed myself to flounder a bit longer. I'll see how I feel at the one month mark. And I've decided to wear a bracelet for a year, not an armband, but a pretty bracelet that reminds me that I am still vulnerable and need to be gentle with myself. Here are some links:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-iovine/girlfriends-guide-weve-fo_b_264622.html

http://www.ehow.com/how_2032484_mourn-death-parent.html

http://kehillatisrael.net/docs/chevra_timeline.htm

Career Transition - A Few Things I've Learned #6 & #7

Understand Transferrable Skills

I am always surprised to hear people say, “But I can’t do that job; I don’t know Powerpoint (or Photoshop or how to write a business plan). When you want to transition, you need to look for more general skills that can be used across disciplines. And, you need to understand what the important skills are in the job(s) you are going for. I never realized how critical my 18 years in sales and marketing would be to getting my own coaching practice up and running.

Are you an effective writer? Do you connect easily with people? Are you good at execution? Are you a detail oriented finisher? Do you work better on a project basis, or on maintenance? Are you incredibly patient? Do you embrace the challenge of politics in a large organization? Are you unflappable and would do well in a start-up situation? All of these are the kinds of skills that are invaluable across job functions, companies and industries. To better understand your transferrable skills, try looking at Strengthsfinder 2.0 or at Please Understand Me II, which interprets the Myers-Briggs profiles.

Be Strategic

While I was in business school a professor said, “Surround yourself with good people and your career will make itself.” I would add one dimension to that. ‘Good people’ doesn’t just mean people who have been successful in their work. It means people who believe in you. If you are joining a company where others have more experience than you do, make sure that you have advocates with decision making power. Coming with experience or knowledge that the company is looking for is even better. In the first year or two, you need some wiggle room to learn and make the occasional mistake. Feeling protected will keep stress levels down. For a great description of support systems in an organization, see Carla Harris’s, “Expect to Win.”

As professionals who have invested so much time and effort into our training and education, I believe that we should be allowed to pursue careers that we love. My own experience has been one of peeling away of the layers of the onion until I found what suited me best. We don’t have to know what we want to do at age 22 or even 27, but if we want sustainable career satisfaction, we may need to make the occasional adjustment.