Girls' Weekend

This weekend I had a girls' weekend with two of my best friends. In the last six years, we have each gone our own way; they have left New York for smaller cities, one is staying home full time to raise her kids, two of us are working moms.

Our two days together had a wonderful arc. Reunion and catch up, fiery debate (some might have said we were fighting!), and ultimately individual affirmation about what each of us has chosen. While we are working through the challenging and rewarding career and family years, all three of us were fighting hard for the perspective we are in. I walked away feeling that we (people) build a successful life by committing to the two or three core values that really bring us alive.

I am not suggesting that we be narrow and systematically rule out alternate perspectives. On the contrary, be open and see what others have to offer. But, having the self-awareness to know your two or three "must haves" makes it possible to always regain sustainable balance.

Glass Ceiling - A Fresh Perspective

I loved this NYT Blog by Sandra Lee. In particular the line, "This 'needs to not be about being put down or at a disadvantage, because you’re not,” she told the audience. “The women are at an advantage — we represent the buying power in this country.' "

Wow! There is something going on out there that feels very Malcolm Gladwell or Freakonomics. On one side, there are so many examples of glass ceiling. On the other side, I hear more and more about graduating classes that are 60% women, deadbeat men, and successful women. I would love to hear where others are on this topic...

Gender Bias and Circle of Influence

For the last three years I have been a coach for high-achieving women in mid-career. Before that I managed my own career in a very female intensive industry -- luxury cosmetics and fragrance marketing.

More recently I have had occasion to talk to women's groups about the challenges of managing their own careers. What I discovered surprised me, and led me to revisit Stephen Covey's concept of the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern. It seems to me that for many women, the issue of gender bias comes up when for whatever reason, their career is in a moment of stall. Maybe the environment has changed. Maybe what got them this far is no longer working.

The women who seem to have it together are the same who don't complain a lot about gender bias. They are proactive about their careers. They realize that gender bias is in what Covey refers to as the Circle of Concern (out of their control). When they encounter difficulties that they feel are gender related, they inform themselves, get feedback, get training or coaching, and address the issue. In doing so they actually expand their Circle of Influence and begin to make headway with the issues in their Circle of Concern.

The other group, frustrated or in a stalled moment in their career, seem to talk a lot about gender bias. They are not wrong. Gender bias is everywhere. It is also largely outside of our circle of influence, and out of our control. These women are in a place of being reactive, not proactive.

I realize that what I am saying won't be acceptable to a lot in the group. I would be interested in hearing how others have experienced the proactive-reactive dynamic in their own careers. I can say with confidence that the proactive periods in my career have been wonderful for me. The moments when I took my eye off the ball, became reactive, were tough. My work with women to simplify career management was born out of those learnings.

The Barber of Seville and Positive Thinking

This weekend I saw The Barber of Seville at the Met. It was fantastic! I loved it! And as I was reading about Rossini's operas, I also realized that I love comic operas, not tragedies. In the Barber of Seville, there is a moment where Rosina doubts the intention of her beloved, Count Almaviva, and almost marries the old Dr. Bartolo. Luckily the moment passes.

It drives me crazy in tragedies when everyone dies or ends up miserable over one tiny mis-step. It is always that one tiny moment where a character loses faith, or lets their negative voices take over that starts the downward spiral. And I hate that.

In coaching we talk a lot about negative voices. They are also referred to as gremlins or saboteurs. I'm sure you know it. It's when you have an idea about something you want to do, or someone you see yourself being, and then once vacation ends, or the lunch with your mentor is over, or you get laid off, the gremlins take over.

This is at the heart of positive thinking and visioning. What we don't realize is that the action we take from a given place actually furthers that reality. Think about it. Ever felt like you'd never get a job, and waste the day surfing the web instead of reaching out to one more potential employer? On the flip side have you, believing that you'd done what was required for a promotion or raise, put together an argument, practiced the right conversation, and gone it to ask for it? Successfully?

The trick is to maintain that positive thinking over an extended period. Change takes time. Staying positive takes work. If you can't do it alone, ask a friend or colleague to hold you accountable and remind you of your dream, or find a coach or counselor to help. Here's another hint...a period of frustration is often a good sign that a change to positive thinking is in order. Good luck!

Know Your Impact

One of the things I see consistently in my new clients is that we, women, don't know the value of our contribution. We take our impact at the office for granted and don't know how to articulate it, let alone get the proper compensation and acknowledgement for it. It is so heartbreaking to see women during a review process, who only ever get into talking about their improvement goals, without ever really discussing their wins and considerable contributions.

The key is to know your impact. Carla Harris, in Expect to Win, talks also about knowing what you are playing for. Too often women go in and just let the boss run the show. Instead we need to know our long term goals, know what we need to get there, know what the boss's expectations are and what we want from the upcoming year. Then we need to have a list of our wins for the year as well as a solid understanding of what that level of achievement is worth to the organization; meaning, how are our colleagues being rewarded for the same work.

It is only when we take the meta-view, redefine the conversation, that we can really begin to drive it.

Our Shifting Heroines

Today I went to the matinee of "I Don't Know How She Does It." Yes, I went to see a movie about an overworked working mom on a Monday, right after drop-off. And yes, the movie got one tomato on Rotten Tomatoes.

Mindless entertainment aside, what struck me as I came out was that Sarah Jessica Parker was such a different heroine from my all-time Go To favorite, Demi Moore in "A Few Good Men." There is no doubt that my life has changed. I saw "A Few Good Men" when I was in business school, and single. Now I am working, have two kids and am running a household with my husband. So perhaps these different heroines appeal to different life stages. That said, I also believe that they appeal to our evolving ideals for what it means to be a powerful woman.

In "A Few Good Men," Demi Moore is in full-on masculine energy. She is tough, much tougher than Tom Cruise or even Jack Nicholson. She is single minded and unwavering. She is also the woman behind the man. In "I Don't Know How She Does It," Sarah Jessica Parker is frantic and spread much too thin. She is also the woman in front of the man. Interesting evolution. What I noticed most in Sarah Jessica's character, is that women today are pushing hard to be in their full identity as women at the office, and not be penalized for it. Now that we are managing so much, the only way we can do it all is if we can really, truly be ourselves and bring it all to every role we play.

Love Your Job Before the Babies Come

For those who missed this New Yorker article about Sheryl Sandberg, I wanted to send it along. Her opinions are powerful and I am fascinated to see women articulating thoughts about the realities for companies when women slow down to care for families.

In particular, I was fascinated by a view I share, which is that if you don't love what you do when your children come, it will be so, so much harder to stay at your job. When my first child arrived, I was long overdue for a career change. Within a year and a half, I took my first course to become a coach and abruptly quit my job after that. Had I only pursued the coaching first, I could have started up my practice with a lot less stress.

Enjoy the article, and please let me know what you think!