We're the Same...but Different

I loved coming across this article titled, "Centered Leadership: How Talented Women Thrive" in the McKinsey Quarterly. The article presents a model for leadership that is specially designed with women in mind, and it reminded me of a story in my own life.

Years ago when I was in the market for a road bike, I heard about cycles that were specially designed for women. I went to several New York stores and was told that they were a marketing gimmick by salesman after salesman. At one store, the salesman was particularly critical and made me feel quite stupid.

I eventually came across a modest, cool guy at Gotham Bikes near Canal Street and he sold me my Trek model for women. I loved it. Really loved it. It fit me like a glove. In fact, several months later I was on a day trip with the New York Cycle Club. During a break one of the other riders commented on it, saying, "That bike fits you like a glove." I couldn't place him at first, but after a minute or two I realized that it was the salesman who'd made me feel so stupid!

This article spoke to me in the same way. Becoming a leader as a woman takes many of the same tools as it does for men. However, there are subtle ways in which the tools are different, the process is different, or the barriers to seeing and using the tools are different for women. Thank you to those who are doing the hard micro research to figure it out.

Taking Responsibility

Thomas Friedman wrote a article this Sunday called, "How About Better Parents?" In it he says that too many parents demand better teachers, when in fact the biggest difference in children's school performance comes from parent involvement.

Reading the article, it occurred to how much we look to others to take care of so many things in our lives. If we are not happy in our marriage, it's marriage's fault (or the spouse's). If we are not getting promoted at work, it's the company's fault. If we can't get a new job, it's the economy's fault. In many ways, it really is not our fault that we think this way. We live in a society that trains us to believe that products, services, lawyers, even therapists can take care of the tough stuff.

Yet interestingly, the world moves forward around us. So, how do we know when we are falling into the "I'm not responsible" trap? What are you frustrated about? Who do you find yourself being envious of? What messages that you hear annoy you?

A couple of thoughts. Rather than take a blanket approach, what small version of the ideal can you bite off? Even one date with your spouse can have a tremendous effect. One successful project at work, or one lunch with a colleague can really help move things forward. Then, what is the voice telling you that you cannot have what you want? Is it really true? And finally, one master of taking responsibility is Stephen Covey. I am re-reading his Seven Habits and keep finding new inspiration.

Competence and Incompetence

Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to suddenly feel really disconnected from it? Or, like you suddenly don't know anything about anything? Let me introduce you to the Four Stages of Competence, a concept widely used in coaching. The idea is that we begin from unconscious incompetence, or we don't know what we don't know. Think of flying the Space Shuttle. Then we go into conscious incompetence,where we know we don't know, are learning and make lots of mistakes. After that comes conscious competence, where we are doing really well but are still very aware of what we are doing and often still need structures. Finally the holy grail: unconscious competence. Here, we aren't even thinking about it, and it is happening easily, effortlessly. What coaches often forget to tell you is that unconscious competence can feel very disorienting. The "hard" part is no longer there. It can feel like you are not working, and so it can feel unproductive. What's more, reaching a new level of competence is like reaching a base camp on a long climb. It is nice to take a rest, but when you look up and see the next big challenge, you can suddenly feel very small and incompetent all over again. I see it with my clients quite a bit. A sudden feeling that nothing is happening; a release in tension that feels like a rope snapped. What they don't realize is that the hand that was holding the back of the seat is gone and they are now riding the bike all on their own. In my own life, I am in this kind of moment. After three years of working with more than 100 clients, regular teaching workshops and speaking engagements, I am feeling firmly established and confident as a coach. BUT...as I look ahead I am finding that my next peak is just becoming visible out of the fog. It will surely be around using my learning towards Leadership Development in a corporate setting, but exactly what it will look like is still developing. What would it look like to take a moment and appreciate what you have achieved? What competence have you mastered in the last 12 months? What were the signs that you had begun to do it without thinking? What new possibility has that opened for you that did not exist before? Please, take time to rest and celebrate before you take on the next climb!

Girls' Weekend

This weekend I had a girls' weekend with two of my best friends. In the last six years, we have each gone our own way; they have left New York for smaller cities, one is staying home full time to raise her kids, two of us are working moms.

Our two days together had a wonderful arc. Reunion and catch up, fiery debate (some might have said we were fighting!), and ultimately individual affirmation about what each of us has chosen. While we are working through the challenging and rewarding career and family years, all three of us were fighting hard for the perspective we are in. I walked away feeling that we (people) build a successful life by committing to the two or three core values that really bring us alive.

I am not suggesting that we be narrow and systematically rule out alternate perspectives. On the contrary, be open and see what others have to offer. But, having the self-awareness to know your two or three "must haves" makes it possible to always regain sustainable balance.

Glass Ceiling - A Fresh Perspective

I loved this NYT Blog by Sandra Lee. In particular the line, "This 'needs to not be about being put down or at a disadvantage, because you’re not,” she told the audience. “The women are at an advantage — we represent the buying power in this country.' "

Wow! There is something going on out there that feels very Malcolm Gladwell or Freakonomics. On one side, there are so many examples of glass ceiling. On the other side, I hear more and more about graduating classes that are 60% women, deadbeat men, and successful women. I would love to hear where others are on this topic...

Gender Bias and Circle of Influence

For the last three years I have been a coach for high-achieving women in mid-career. Before that I managed my own career in a very female intensive industry -- luxury cosmetics and fragrance marketing.

More recently I have had occasion to talk to women's groups about the challenges of managing their own careers. What I discovered surprised me, and led me to revisit Stephen Covey's concept of the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern. It seems to me that for many women, the issue of gender bias comes up when for whatever reason, their career is in a moment of stall. Maybe the environment has changed. Maybe what got them this far is no longer working.

The women who seem to have it together are the same who don't complain a lot about gender bias. They are proactive about their careers. They realize that gender bias is in what Covey refers to as the Circle of Concern (out of their control). When they encounter difficulties that they feel are gender related, they inform themselves, get feedback, get training or coaching, and address the issue. In doing so they actually expand their Circle of Influence and begin to make headway with the issues in their Circle of Concern.

The other group, frustrated or in a stalled moment in their career, seem to talk a lot about gender bias. They are not wrong. Gender bias is everywhere. It is also largely outside of our circle of influence, and out of our control. These women are in a place of being reactive, not proactive.

I realize that what I am saying won't be acceptable to a lot in the group. I would be interested in hearing how others have experienced the proactive-reactive dynamic in their own careers. I can say with confidence that the proactive periods in my career have been wonderful for me. The moments when I took my eye off the ball, became reactive, were tough. My work with women to simplify career management was born out of those learnings.

The Barber of Seville and Positive Thinking

This weekend I saw The Barber of Seville at the Met. It was fantastic! I loved it! And as I was reading about Rossini's operas, I also realized that I love comic operas, not tragedies. In the Barber of Seville, there is a moment where Rosina doubts the intention of her beloved, Count Almaviva, and almost marries the old Dr. Bartolo. Luckily the moment passes.

It drives me crazy in tragedies when everyone dies or ends up miserable over one tiny mis-step. It is always that one tiny moment where a character loses faith, or lets their negative voices take over that starts the downward spiral. And I hate that.

In coaching we talk a lot about negative voices. They are also referred to as gremlins or saboteurs. I'm sure you know it. It's when you have an idea about something you want to do, or someone you see yourself being, and then once vacation ends, or the lunch with your mentor is over, or you get laid off, the gremlins take over.

This is at the heart of positive thinking and visioning. What we don't realize is that the action we take from a given place actually furthers that reality. Think about it. Ever felt like you'd never get a job, and waste the day surfing the web instead of reaching out to one more potential employer? On the flip side have you, believing that you'd done what was required for a promotion or raise, put together an argument, practiced the right conversation, and gone it to ask for it? Successfully?

The trick is to maintain that positive thinking over an extended period. Change takes time. Staying positive takes work. If you can't do it alone, ask a friend or colleague to hold you accountable and remind you of your dream, or find a coach or counselor to help. Here's another hint...a period of frustration is often a good sign that a change to positive thinking is in order. Good luck!