Taking It Easy as a Success Strategy

On February 28th, the New York Times had a great article on self-compassion: "Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges." I loved the article because it is such a good example of what coaching, specifically life coaching, is about. I work with high-achieving women. And when I see someone who is stuck, or feeling unproductive, it is almost always because she is being too hard on herself. The reality is that we are all doing so much, and at very high levels of complexity. A little support and acknowledgement can do wonders for taking away the paralyzing judgement, and liberating our productive, creative energy.

The Post-Enjolie Feminist

A year and a half ago my coach asked me, "What is it to be a powerful woman?" Given how long it's taken to find the answer, I'd have to start with, "Respecting a feminine process, gestation, versus a masculine one, pulling the trigger.

This week, in a conversation with a man, I had to articulate my coaching approach. I realized that I was also describing who I am as a woman.

I am a woman who traveled on my own to Madagascar, China, and the far reaches of Indonesia. I am a woman who slept in the park in Pamplona so that I could see the running of the bulls. I am a woman who hopped on my bike and rode from New Haven to Boston by myself over three days. But I am also a woman who knits, cooks most of the meals at home, and always prefers my husband to get the check.

It sounds like a cliche from the Enjolie perfume campaign: "I can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan...and never, never let you forget you're a man..." And from what I see in all of the articles about our supposed unhappiness, this surface description is one that can lead to high levels of stress and not much satisfaction.

So, what is the difference between "doing it all" on paper, and actually being happy about it? To me this is at the heart of being a powerful woman. To me being powerful means not just knowing what you want, but finding the courage to be OK with it. Is it wrong to want to be cherished by my husband? Is it wrong to want to be in a key decision making role at work? And being powerful means knowing what you want in a world with so many pressured messages. Does being a good mother mean that I have to stay home full-time? At work, do I have to keep pushing because an earlier generation paved the way?

After reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, I felt lucky to have been raised by a French mother. In French culture, broadly speaking, a woman's pleasure is an accepted goal. Whether that pleasure comes from caring for children or having a career that she is passionate about is not the point. A woman has the right to pursue her own satisfaction; in fact, she has a right to consider it at all. When I hear women have decided to stay at home because, "I was making a fraction of what my husband was making, so it didn't make sense," it makes me sad. A woman should be allowed to go to work because she enjoys it, not just because of the income!

So the answer to where power lies seems to be not so much in what we do, but in how we do it. Just like for men, power comes when we create our life, rather than reacting to it all the time. For me it's not, "I am a world traveler BUT I knit," rather it is, "I am a world traveler AND I knit." Weaving it all together my way is where we get the nourishment we need. And when we are well nourished, we have the energy to be our best for our organization, our family and our community.

Effective Communication (March Newsletter)

The other day I was at Pinkberry getting a frozen yogurt. I was the only person in the small store, which was about 15' x 20'. The clerk, also alone, seemed new and very enthusiastic. When he took my order, he said, "Your name?!" I smiled inwardly but then told him, gave him money, and got my receipt. He turned around, took the printed order from a machine, made my frozen yogurt and handed it to me with a smile and a, "There you go!"

Had it been a skit on Saturday Night Live, it couldn't have been more perfect. Thank God he didn't shout, "Claire?!" into the air.

So what do we make of this? I see companies trying so hard to create a sense of intimacy, that they totally miss the possibility for good old-fashion communication. And I also see a twist on this in our work lives. Often at work, we use the excuse of "being professional" to hide from confrontation. The problem is that doing so also prevents effective communication, and effective leadership. Who hasn't:

• Withheld a comment or opinion because it might rock the boat, only to see a valued relationship deteriorate?
• Avoided a conversation with someone because you are simply sure that the person is: a) a jerk b) too fragile c) please fill here.
• Not communicated praise or constructive criticism, only to end up with a subordinate who knows something is wrong, but is confused and nervous.

Small actions (or inactions) can have enormous consequences. In a NYT article yesterday on the management at Google, they talk about eight major rules to being an effective manager. Number 5 addresses good communication head on. But number's 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 are also closely linked to good communication. And, one of the three pitfalls of managers is "Spend too little time managing and communicating."

So, how do we learn how to communicate effectively? It can feel challenging, awkward, too touchy feely, or frankly like an accident waiting to happen. My friend Joann Baney, who I work with at Columbia, wrote a book, Guide To Interpersonal Communication on the topic. It is an excellent resource for learning how to take the emotion out of communication and help you learn how, with experience, to communicate effectively.

Have a wonderful March, and I'll see you in April!

Claire

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/business/13hire.html?scp=2&sq=google&st=cse

The Discomfort Zone

One of my clients sent me this article, then my husband left the hard copy on my desk. I guess they know what I like!

The attached article from last Saturday's New York Times, "Tiptoeing Out of One's Comfort Zone" talks about how we are at our most productive when we are feeling just slightly challenged. Many of us do this naturally. In some cases, companies keep us on a fairly regular learning curve so that we are always at our most productive.

What the article doesn't address is the stress of more radical change. At a time when people change jobs every two to three years, and can expect to have a major career shift five times in their life, it is beyond mildly uncomfortable. It can be excruciating. And risky.

Coaches work with clients to smooth these times of major transition. They keep the client feeling confident, and that they are doing the right thing. Whether is it personal coaching for a job change, executive coaching for a big internal promotion, or another situation entirely, most of us need support. Our natural tendency is to avoid discomfort, and yet the world we live in demands it. I've had a coach and am a coach and so my advice is if you want to make a major change, get a coach!

When Inaction Poses the Greatest Risk

Last Monday's New York Times had an article entitled "When Self-Knowledge is only the Beginning" about the limits of self-awareness. I love what this article says -- that knowing why you are stuck or depressed doesn't, in an of itself, resolve the problem. This goes to the heart of coaching. Coaches assume that you need to take different action to get different outcomes.

If you are having trouble balancing work and life, it's not enough to know that your very demanding parents made it impossible for you to leave the office until midnight. To solve the issue, you have to set limits with your boss and stick to them. This can be very uncomfortable, but the learning is immense. The same goes with getting into relationships. Knowing that you don't trust men/women because an opposite sex parent was unavailable won't, in and of itself, make you date with ease. You need to change habits and approach, and then evaluate what you learn from it.

One of the most important things a coach does is to support a client through this process of changing habits. It is natural to hit obstacles and roadblocks when we try to do things differently. And so often we take an impediment as proof that the change isn't working. We give up. A good coach helps the client see the learning, keep the faith, and ultimately expand the successful new behavior.

Cooking With Earplugs

A few weeks ago, between her birthday in early December and Christmas, my daughter had a bad couple of days. She was overstimulated with gifts, sweets, anticipation, expectation and reality. One evening after 36 hours of almost constant whining or tantrums, and repeated attempts to soothe her, I checked out. Making dinner, I decided I just needed a few minutes to regain my composure. So I cooked with earplugs in. It muffled the noise just enough so that I could think straight and make dinner.

I bring it up because I just know there's a beautiful metaphor in here. Specifically, I believe, it is around taking away limiting beliefs, or the constant noise, so that we can think straight and get a clear understanding of what we want, in and for our lives. I think that we underestimate the pressure of the discourse that makes us maintain the status quo. Whether it's corporate America and the focus on "areas for improvement," our own stories handed down from our families of origin, or the constant badgering from the media, the "can't do it" messages are powerful. Many of us think that we are stronger than these influences. Worse, we blame ourselves when we aren't able to rise above them. Yet when the messages are as loud and urgent as a crying child, it is almost impossible to shut them out.

One of the first things I do with clients is to hand them metaphorical earplugs. By shutting out the noise, and only by shutting out the noise, can we take the first step towards imagining what it would feel like to truly be alive.

Professional Eating

In December I had lunch with a friend who is a professional chef who specializes in organic, fresh cooking. She suggested Kinshop in Greenwich Village. It was delicious and we had a wonderful time. A couple of weeks later, I had lunch there with my husband and while the food was delicious again, the experience lacked the transcendental quality that it had with Katy. Sorry Sean.

It got me to thinking about what it means to be a professional at cooking and eating, and what lessons a coach can infer from it. Eating with my friend is so much about process. We didn't spend our time fussing over the flavors and ingredients, though we did notice and acknowledge them. We let the food be a part, but only a part, of the whole. Equally important were the conversation, the manners and rituals that honored the great cooking, and the flow of the meal.

So what it is to let connection, ritual and flow live in what we do? At work? In social life? In leisure? Some people are happy to run on a treadmill at the gym with all of its odors and loud music. I can't help feeling that a bike ride or run, with a friend, at our own pace, by the river is so much more pleasant. The light, air and beauty of nature are so nourishing. And exercising so that we feel renewed and refreshed, not exhausted, is so exhilarating. Letting process and substance work creates rhythms that are sustainable, that actually strengthen and don't deplete us.