"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You..."

A friend shared this speech by Elizabeth Coleman, president of Bennington College, which to me carries the game changing perspective shift of the sort that John F. Kennedy presented in his 1961 inauguration speech.

I'm sure that the points of view around this article will be rich and varied. From the coaching point of view, there is something so important here and that is the notion of purpose. When I read about how many of us rely on medication, I can't help feeling that it's because we've gotten so far from a life that makes sense to us, that we don't know where else to turn. The truth is that as human beings we need to live a life of purpose, where we have an impact that we own and can be proud of. Without that, it's all just empty calories.

Take a look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG6bqY9htoU

Soft Focus

A friend sent me this article on Obliquity, a new book by John Kay of the Oxford Business School. The article suggests that having a focus other than happiness actually gives us much more access to happiness. It also suggests that taking good care of your customers, rather than focusing on profits, is a much more effective path to success. What a novel idea for the salespeople who have been taught to set goals and focus, focus, focus on reaching them. Imagine, actually doing the right thing as a path to success!

I call this idea is Soft Focus. When we have well-defined long terms goals, that are based on our values, our efforts have a way of aligning themselves toward accomplishing those goals. And we don't even really have to think about them. What is more, for most of us purpose and giving back are present somewhere in our value system. So, do the right thing, know where you are going, and your career will make itself. Again, seems novel right?

Urgent Distractions

Yesterday a client (who agreed to my writing this) came to me with a lot of emotion around work. In fact, the communication was so urgent, so emphatic, that I might have thought the client was in danger of being fired.

As we talked it became clear, little by little, that the work issues were not nearly as dire as they seemed. In fact, the client was using the work issues as a distraction. The client had agreed to a daunting health improvement plan. And as our discussion went back and forth, I recognized a telltale and common response to challenge: Avoidance.

Have you ever found yourself getting embroiled in office politics, making an issue of a simple misunderstanding with a friend or family member, or, even more tricky, reaching out to help someone who may be more appropriately helped by someone closer to them? These are tricky. Unlike surfing the web or chatting with a friend when we should be working, these scenarios are rich with emotional intensity. They can seem urgent, unavoidable.

My suggestions are first, to know yourself. What kinds of situations draw you in? And second, know your projects. What thing that you want to be doing keeps getting pushed aside? Is it too hard? Do you need to break it down? Do you need to tackle it in a different way? What can you do to make you keep your focus?

Being Yourself and Getting Promoted

I love this Fast Company article titled, "Eight Things You Can Learn About Success From Lady Gaga." Specifically I am drawn to things #3 and #4 which I take to mean be yourself and connect with people.

Several of my clients came to me, frustrated at work, because they were afraid to be themselves. Working in a corporate environment, by default, meant fitting into a mold. Yet those same clients, when we focused on how they could be more authentic at work, got incredible traction. Being yourself and connecting as yourself makes you more confident, makes people listen to what you have to say, and brings out your leadership qualities.

What is the part of you that you leave home? What could you do to show more of yourself at the office? And what communication skills could you learn to make it easier to take that leap?

Taking It Easy as a Success Strategy

On February 28th, the New York Times had a great article on self-compassion: "Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges." I loved the article because it is such a good example of what coaching, specifically life coaching, is about. I work with high-achieving women. And when I see someone who is stuck, or feeling unproductive, it is almost always because she is being too hard on herself. The reality is that we are all doing so much, and at very high levels of complexity. A little support and acknowledgement can do wonders for taking away the paralyzing judgement, and liberating our productive, creative energy.

The Post-Enjolie Feminist

A year and a half ago my coach asked me, "What is it to be a powerful woman?" Given how long it's taken to find the answer, I'd have to start with, "Respecting a feminine process, gestation, versus a masculine one, pulling the trigger.

This week, in a conversation with a man, I had to articulate my coaching approach. I realized that I was also describing who I am as a woman.

I am a woman who traveled on my own to Madagascar, China, and the far reaches of Indonesia. I am a woman who slept in the park in Pamplona so that I could see the running of the bulls. I am a woman who hopped on my bike and rode from New Haven to Boston by myself over three days. But I am also a woman who knits, cooks most of the meals at home, and always prefers my husband to get the check.

It sounds like a cliche from the Enjolie perfume campaign: "I can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan...and never, never let you forget you're a man..." And from what I see in all of the articles about our supposed unhappiness, this surface description is one that can lead to high levels of stress and not much satisfaction.

So, what is the difference between "doing it all" on paper, and actually being happy about it? To me this is at the heart of being a powerful woman. To me being powerful means not just knowing what you want, but finding the courage to be OK with it. Is it wrong to want to be cherished by my husband? Is it wrong to want to be in a key decision making role at work? And being powerful means knowing what you want in a world with so many pressured messages. Does being a good mother mean that I have to stay home full-time? At work, do I have to keep pushing because an earlier generation paved the way?

After reading Judith Warner's Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, I felt lucky to have been raised by a French mother. In French culture, broadly speaking, a woman's pleasure is an accepted goal. Whether that pleasure comes from caring for children or having a career that she is passionate about is not the point. A woman has the right to pursue her own satisfaction; in fact, she has a right to consider it at all. When I hear women have decided to stay at home because, "I was making a fraction of what my husband was making, so it didn't make sense," it makes me sad. A woman should be allowed to go to work because she enjoys it, not just because of the income!

So the answer to where power lies seems to be not so much in what we do, but in how we do it. Just like for men, power comes when we create our life, rather than reacting to it all the time. For me it's not, "I am a world traveler BUT I knit," rather it is, "I am a world traveler AND I knit." Weaving it all together my way is where we get the nourishment we need. And when we are well nourished, we have the energy to be our best for our organization, our family and our community.

Effective Communication (March Newsletter)

The other day I was at Pinkberry getting a frozen yogurt. I was the only person in the small store, which was about 15' x 20'. The clerk, also alone, seemed new and very enthusiastic. When he took my order, he said, "Your name?!" I smiled inwardly but then told him, gave him money, and got my receipt. He turned around, took the printed order from a machine, made my frozen yogurt and handed it to me with a smile and a, "There you go!"

Had it been a skit on Saturday Night Live, it couldn't have been more perfect. Thank God he didn't shout, "Claire?!" into the air.

So what do we make of this? I see companies trying so hard to create a sense of intimacy, that they totally miss the possibility for good old-fashion communication. And I also see a twist on this in our work lives. Often at work, we use the excuse of "being professional" to hide from confrontation. The problem is that doing so also prevents effective communication, and effective leadership. Who hasn't:

• Withheld a comment or opinion because it might rock the boat, only to see a valued relationship deteriorate?
• Avoided a conversation with someone because you are simply sure that the person is: a) a jerk b) too fragile c) please fill here.
• Not communicated praise or constructive criticism, only to end up with a subordinate who knows something is wrong, but is confused and nervous.

Small actions (or inactions) can have enormous consequences. In a NYT article yesterday on the management at Google, they talk about eight major rules to being an effective manager. Number 5 addresses good communication head on. But number's 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 are also closely linked to good communication. And, one of the three pitfalls of managers is "Spend too little time managing and communicating."

So, how do we learn how to communicate effectively? It can feel challenging, awkward, too touchy feely, or frankly like an accident waiting to happen. My friend Joann Baney, who I work with at Columbia, wrote a book, Guide To Interpersonal Communication on the topic. It is an excellent resource for learning how to take the emotion out of communication and help you learn how, with experience, to communicate effectively.

Have a wonderful March, and I'll see you in April!

Claire

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/business/13hire.html?scp=2&sq=google&st=cse