Ah... There We Go!

For years I've been reading and hearing about happiness and positive psychology. But there was always something that didn't make sense. I mean, where are these people jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah right after he met Katie Holmes? And, how can so many studies say that people with children are less happy, when in their older years they all seem to say that their greatest happiness was having children?

In last week's New York Times there was an article called, "Beyond Happiness." Finally, something that makes sense. Martin Seligman's new dimensions for measuring happiness come so much closer to something human. He now identifies: positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment. I love the last two in particular.

I've heard more that one person say that the time they spent taking care of a dying parent was the most difficult, and the most fulfilling, time in their lives. They had meaning. And as far as the last part, I was fascinated reading the Tiger Mom's article when she said roughly that not pushing her kids meant robbing them of the joy of accomplishment.

In my own work, I focus on helping clients click into the life they are supposed to have, get in the driver's seat, find themselves. The metaphors are varied. But what I don't do is push them to experience each and every day as perfection. It's too much pressure! What's more, creating change, evolving towards greater fulfillment, usually requires a level of discomfort and possibly temporary unhappiness.

So how do you distinguish unhappiness from delayed gratification? When do you know you are due for real change, and not just spinning your wheels? One big one is a purpose statement. When you are 80, what impact do you want your life to have had? If what you are doing now contributes to that in some way, great! If you know that what you are doing isn't feeding that purpose, a change, bit or small, may be in order.

A Job Fit For a Queen

This weekend I wasn't quite glued to the TV, but I did find myself spending a couple of languid hours enjoying the re-runs of the royal wedding.

Like many people, I love the rituals of wedding and royalty. But, giving it some thought this morning I realized that what drew me in was more than that. By all appearances, Kate Middleton is a woman who has found the right career fit. She fully understands her role, her responsibilities, and the culture within the "organization" she has joined. Her performance was flawless on Friday. Her energy felt like the nervous excitement that comes when you know exactly what to do, and are challenged to do it well.

As a coach I have experienced, and seen in clients, the difference between being stiff and awkward, unable to trust your instincts and being "in flow" at work. There is something so wonderful about witnessing a person's transition from the former to the latter. Knowing, and doing, what is right frees up deep energy resources. It makes everything easier and opens us up to enormous possibility.

"Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You..."

A friend shared this speech by Elizabeth Coleman, president of Bennington College, which to me carries the game changing perspective shift of the sort that John F. Kennedy presented in his 1961 inauguration speech.

I'm sure that the points of view around this article will be rich and varied. From the coaching point of view, there is something so important here and that is the notion of purpose. When I read about how many of us rely on medication, I can't help feeling that it's because we've gotten so far from a life that makes sense to us, that we don't know where else to turn. The truth is that as human beings we need to live a life of purpose, where we have an impact that we own and can be proud of. Without that, it's all just empty calories.

Take a look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG6bqY9htoU

Soft Focus

A friend sent me this article on Obliquity, a new book by John Kay of the Oxford Business School. The article suggests that having a focus other than happiness actually gives us much more access to happiness. It also suggests that taking good care of your customers, rather than focusing on profits, is a much more effective path to success. What a novel idea for the salespeople who have been taught to set goals and focus, focus, focus on reaching them. Imagine, actually doing the right thing as a path to success!

I call this idea is Soft Focus. When we have well-defined long terms goals, that are based on our values, our efforts have a way of aligning themselves toward accomplishing those goals. And we don't even really have to think about them. What is more, for most of us purpose and giving back are present somewhere in our value system. So, do the right thing, know where you are going, and your career will make itself. Again, seems novel right?

Urgent Distractions

Yesterday a client (who agreed to my writing this) came to me with a lot of emotion around work. In fact, the communication was so urgent, so emphatic, that I might have thought the client was in danger of being fired.

As we talked it became clear, little by little, that the work issues were not nearly as dire as they seemed. In fact, the client was using the work issues as a distraction. The client had agreed to a daunting health improvement plan. And as our discussion went back and forth, I recognized a telltale and common response to challenge: Avoidance.

Have you ever found yourself getting embroiled in office politics, making an issue of a simple misunderstanding with a friend or family member, or, even more tricky, reaching out to help someone who may be more appropriately helped by someone closer to them? These are tricky. Unlike surfing the web or chatting with a friend when we should be working, these scenarios are rich with emotional intensity. They can seem urgent, unavoidable.

My suggestions are first, to know yourself. What kinds of situations draw you in? And second, know your projects. What thing that you want to be doing keeps getting pushed aside? Is it too hard? Do you need to break it down? Do you need to tackle it in a different way? What can you do to make you keep your focus?

Being Yourself and Getting Promoted

I love this Fast Company article titled, "Eight Things You Can Learn About Success From Lady Gaga." Specifically I am drawn to things #3 and #4 which I take to mean be yourself and connect with people.

Several of my clients came to me, frustrated at work, because they were afraid to be themselves. Working in a corporate environment, by default, meant fitting into a mold. Yet those same clients, when we focused on how they could be more authentic at work, got incredible traction. Being yourself and connecting as yourself makes you more confident, makes people listen to what you have to say, and brings out your leadership qualities.

What is the part of you that you leave home? What could you do to show more of yourself at the office? And what communication skills could you learn to make it easier to take that leap?

Taking It Easy as a Success Strategy

On February 28th, the New York Times had a great article on self-compassion: "Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges." I loved the article because it is such a good example of what coaching, specifically life coaching, is about. I work with high-achieving women. And when I see someone who is stuck, or feeling unproductive, it is almost always because she is being too hard on herself. The reality is that we are all doing so much, and at very high levels of complexity. A little support and acknowledgement can do wonders for taking away the paralyzing judgement, and liberating our productive, creative energy.