The Limits of Willpower

This month, December 31st actually, my husband and I started a vegan weight loss diet. We did it for weight loss, for increased energy, and because as older parents, we want to stay healthy for our children as long as we can.

THIS DIET IS A LOT OF WORK. Creating the shopping list for the first week's meal plan took over two hours. For the shopping itself, I spent more than an hour in the produce section of Fairway, and 30% more than my usual weekly grocery budget. All of this even before the chopping began.

Where am I going with all this? Well, dieting is probably one of the areas where people most often talk about willpower. Specifically, about the willpower to not eat even though you are hungry. Yet as anyone who has effectively lost and kept off weight knows, it is biologically impossible to resist real hunger when it happens. To really lose weight, we must inform ourselves, do the work, and notice the results. That is the only way to change habits. So it's not about resisting under duress. It is about resisting the inertia to even try. It is about taking a leap of faith and doing the work (in this case the shopping and chopping) without focusing on the outcome.

Do you now see where I am going? Whether it is weight loss, job promotion, different communication with friends and colleagues, so often we want to know exactly how it will go before we try. We want proof. As someone who has been coached and who coaches others, I know that the only way we can change habits is by actually doing something different, trying a new path, even when we don't know where it will lead.

Wonder Woman

What does it take to be a Wonder Woman in business? Each of us brings life experiences and personal responsibilities to the work place. That combined with our business education and personal drive enables us to accomplish amazing things.

But, it's not that easy for women -- especially when life and the economy get in the way; and when companies reorganize, downsize, spin off and merge. Unfortunately gender-bias is often part of the picture, not to mention a lack of corporate support. The result generates turmoil that can push the most career-minded professional off-track. As women, how do we retain our momentum and focus? How do we move forward successfully?

My next Columbia Business School Alumni Club event, Wonder Woman, on Thursday January 19th, is the outcome of my personal experience and my experience coaching high achieving professional women in mid-career. My own triumphs and tribulations as a cosmetics executive naturally led me to this demographic.

From a personal perspective, my last years in cosmetics were challenging. My company, which I loved, was acquired the day I left for my first maternity leave. I came back to a new company, a new boss, and a workforce that was apprehensive of layoffs. I never really clicked with new superiors, felt unsupported in the organization, and was dealing with the new challenges of balancing work and motherhood. After a year and a half I quit and started my coaching business.

While the details vary, I have heard the same theme repeated over and over by friends, colleague and clients. Women in mid-career, shortly after starting a family, begin to get derailed at work.

Fast forward three years. I gathered a group of professional women, mostly CBS graduates, for a focus group/discussion around women, career and gender bias. I fully expected to hear outrageous stories. What I observed instead surprised me.

Several women talked at length about the obstacles that gender bias created at their work. A few, though, spoke differently about these experiences. Even though they acknowledged that gender differences occasionally worked against them, they took charge, read a book or got coached, adapted their behavior, and moved on. Successfully.

Coming out of the focus group, I immediately thought of Stephen Covey's concepts of a Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern. It's not that the women citing and fixating on gender bias were wrong; gender bias is ubiquitous. Yet for most of us, it is in our Circle of Concern. It exists, but we can't do much about it. That is, until we begin to expand our Circle of Influence.

Men and women are both vulnerable to complaining about things we can't really fix. However, women display a critical difference. We are more likely to blame ourselves for things we are not responsible for. Judith Warner, among others, talks about it in her book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. Just about any woman you talk to will say the same. So how do we take on the right amount of responsibility? What can we expect in the workplace, and what is beyond the scope of what corporations can or should do?

Next Thursday's discussion will address this very topic. We will have a transparent dialogue with experienced executives and workforce specialists to understand how each of us can make the decisions that are best for us.

The Forest Beyond the Trees

A friend and former colleague sent me an article about a rose oil distilled in space that smelled different than the same oil distilled on earth. It made me think about context and how much it influences us. Specifically, it made me think about how difficult it can be to see where we are in the scheme of things, and to understand what the real possibilities for change are.

Where do you begin when you want to make a change in your career or life? One great place is with a simple wheel of life (check out on-line). That can give you some perspective about how you feel about the various elements of your life.

This month in my newsletter I provided a list of my favorite resources for figuring out what you want, what is possible, and how to tackle resistance to change. I am happy to share these. Please send me a request via my website www.clearstrategycoaching.com.

Have a wonderful 2012!

Making Lemondade

These days it seems easy to talk about what is limiting us. We have been in a tough economy for three years, the employment landscape is constantly shifting, especially if you work in Financial Services. And yet, there are a lot of people still finding jobs and doing well...yes, within the 99% crowd!

Last Wednesday on the 1 train I was reminded of the power of thinking positive and then acting on it. There was a 17 year old boy playing percussion on a bucket. Really well. When he was done, he gave a pitch that mobilized the entire train to give him money. I've never seen anything like it. He said, "I am not on drugs. I am not homeless. I am not hungry. I am an inner city kid trying to stay out of trouble. If you can give a donation, it will keep me out of trouble until I can find a real job.

Wow. What an amazing choice he made. It can't be easy to decide to go into the subway to make a living. But this young man made a decision that he would take charge of what he can influence, and that was his selling pitch. First, he identified with his audience. By saying he had a place to live, food to eat, and was hard working, he said he was like them. Second, he framed the challenge for the crowd. Instead of chronic unsolvable problems, he presented a short-term, manageable challenge that the people felt they could influence. And third, he spoke from a place of positivity and gratitude. Rather than complain, he talked about the positive things in his life and the influence he wants to have.

So, this is not meant to be a moralistic post about positive thinking. On the contrary. It is meant more as a To Do list to create more positive outcomes. Next time you want something... a new job, a promotion, a relationship, how about asking:

1) What can I express to show that I am like my audience?

2) How can this problem be framed to be achievable? Then, present the call to action.

3) What can I say about the positivity of my situation and the positive impact I want to make on the organization in the future?

Taking small actions from a positive perspective is a powerful way to shift the tide in your favor. Good luck!

The Pace of Change

Last Thursday as I was walking down 66th street, I saw an old and dear friend walking down the block toward me. We were both on cell phones. We saw each other, hesitated as if we might stop, then gave each other a wave and look that said, "Can't talk...let's catch up later." When I told my husband about it, he said, "Wow, that never would have happened in the olden days." Then we both realized: The "olden days" is 1998! It seems unquestionable that we are living in a time of unprecedented change. For so many of us, especially those with children, juggling uncertainty has always been a challenge. Yet the uncertainty we live with today goes much deeper than it has in the past. Many of the foundations that Baby Boomers relied on -- lifetime employment, marriage, economic growth, a phone call instead of a text -- have completely shifted. All this, and a tsunami of information that is almost impossible to sift through. So, how do we create the change we want in our lives, rather than just react to the change and information happening all around us? Maybe the place to start is within. In my very first newsletter I introduced the Wheel of Life, and it seems appropriate to share it again today. Taking a look at each section, what would the experience of that element of your life look like as a perfect 10? Where are you seeing a significant gap between that description and what it looks like today? What would be possible if that section were a perfect 10? And, who would you be? How about planning 2012 with that person in mind?

Year End Push and Pull

This time of year, I find myself in a push-pull dynamic. The expectation of the new year is pushing me forward, but the intense activity of the three months since "back-to-school" is pulling me towards being passive. What can we do to put things in motion so that the New Year can ease in gently? Like the wind-up in a tennis serve, taking a look back can help power your planning. Here are some review questions that are more personal than the typical work review. They are adapted from my own coach (www.coachcat.com) and have been very helpful to me:

Who was I in 2011? At the end of the year versus the beginning?

When was I powerful? What was I doing?

When was I fearful? When did I impede my own progress?

Who/what supported me when I was at my best?

What were my Successes?

What were my Oprah moments?

Where did I fail in my objectives?

Where did I let myself down?

What are the habits I am ready to leave behind?

What changes in myself am I happy about?

What do I see now that I didn't see at the beginning of the year?

I find this exercise indulgent and practical all at once. I hope you enjoy it.

We're the Same...but Different

I loved coming across this article titled, "Centered Leadership: How Talented Women Thrive" in the McKinsey Quarterly. The article presents a model for leadership that is specially designed with women in mind, and it reminded me of a story in my own life.

Years ago when I was in the market for a road bike, I heard about cycles that were specially designed for women. I went to several New York stores and was told that they were a marketing gimmick by salesman after salesman. At one store, the salesman was particularly critical and made me feel quite stupid.

I eventually came across a modest, cool guy at Gotham Bikes near Canal Street and he sold me my Trek model for women. I loved it. Really loved it. It fit me like a glove. In fact, several months later I was on a day trip with the New York Cycle Club. During a break one of the other riders commented on it, saying, "That bike fits you like a glove." I couldn't place him at first, but after a minute or two I realized that it was the salesman who'd made me feel so stupid!

This article spoke to me in the same way. Becoming a leader as a woman takes many of the same tools as it does for men. However, there are subtle ways in which the tools are different, the process is different, or the barriers to seeing and using the tools are different for women. Thank you to those who are doing the hard micro research to figure it out.