The Enemy Within

I have a fear of flying. It started when I was 28 and peaked in my early 30's. It is a frustrating fear because I consider myself to be an intelligent person. Over the years I have spent a lot of energy managing this fear and now, with advanced preparation, I fly with only a low-level of discomfort. At the heart of my success in overcoming this fear is the understanding that the symptoms (panic, shortness of breath, heightened sense of hearing) have nothing to do with the reality. The plane will land safely. The fear is a separate force that I can manage. I find it worth it to fight for this perspective; thanks to my efforts, I get enjoy the pleasures of seeing family and friends, and experiencing new places.

Imagine my life if I caved to my fear. No travel, no exploration, no friends and family. Sounds ridiculous, right? Yet every day we risk making similar concessions because we don't a) acknowledge our fears and b) see them for what they are: separate from reality. When talking about fear, some coaches refer to gremlins or saboteurs, some to limiting beliefs. I love the word saboteur, because our fears really do sabotage our progress and our dreams. They sound like, "What if I get promoted and they realize that I can't do the job?" or "What if I get a new job and realize that I don't like it and have to re-neg?" or "Why would I be the one? There are other people much smarter (prettier, more engaging, etc) who will surely get that job (promotion, guy, etc)." Think of all the resumes not sent, the networking events skipped, the opportunities overlooked.

Some signs that saboteurs are lurking are: procrastination, laziness or lack of motivation, constant overwhelm, or working too hard in an area separate from where we are looking to make progress. How do we fight them? In one of the Harry Potter books, the professor made the kids visualize their worst fear, then wave their wand at it and say, "Ridiculous!"

The key is to first imagine, or recognize the fear. What are the things that go off in your head when you think of making a change or taking on a new project? What is the self-judgement behind the fear? Write it down. The next step is to analyze it. Where does the belief come from? A fear of failure may come from having high standards. A fear of looking stupid may come from a complex knowledge of the topic at hand. These are good things. Think about seeing the positive in the fear. Then, like in Harry Potter, simply poke fun at it. In my training*, we learned to imagine the saboteur as a real character, to write its biography, ask ourselves what feeds it, what it does when we are not around, and what threatens it. There is a thought -- what threatens it. Chances are, what threatens our gremlins is being open, gathering information, making steady progress, taking action, etc, etc.

I will leave you with one thought: What is on the other side of your fear that you really, really want? What do you want that would make it worth it to face your fears?

*Coach Training Institute, San Rafael, CA

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

Next weekend my husband and I leave with our two small children for a week of sightseeing and camping, which means planning, packing, and getting the taxes done by Friday. I have events on Tuesday and Thursday, homework for a fantastic 8-week course I am taking (NadineNicolson.com), plus the regular work I do for my clients and business. Oh, and none of the camping trip has been reserved. Oh, and my husband is in a crunch time at work.

Officially overwhelmed! Here are my favorite tips for dealing with the times when I feel overwhelmed:

1. Take a deep breath. Meditation won't get the work done. However, it will help manage the anxiety that builds up and gets in the way of clear thought (see Daniel Goleman's "Emotional Intelligence"). I usually find a quiet time and place, take a few long, deep breaths and visualize something that will guide me. The visual can be "me at my best," or an element of nature that is calm, or powerful. However it is I want to feel as I take on the situation.
2. Perspective Wheel. This is from Coach Training Institute, where I did my training. An add-on to the staying calm bit, this is a way to see different sides of the situation. Write down the situation from as many points of view as you can. You can start with the doom and gloom, but then consider more positive ones. Maybe you are here because all of your hard work has gotten you to a place of increased responsibility. Or maybe the perspective from you, one year from now, calm and accomplished. Then, write your To Do list from the perspective you most want to be in. Taking action from that perspective will help make it the reality.
3. Do a time check. Rather than begin with a To Do list, I take a look at the calendar and see how many hours I actually have to dedicate to the tasks. This will help me prioritize. It will also help me say no to requests that may come up this week and eat into the time I do have. Here is more on the Time Capsule method.
4. Prioritize. There is a great tool from Stephen Covey for helping decide the most critical tasks. It is called the Time Management Matrix and helps articulate the tasks that don't feel urgent, but are important, from those that are time wasters. I love this tool.
5. Cluster tasks. Do like things with like things. Making calls, whatever the purpose, can be done together. Doing research, responding to emails, etc. We use less mental energy when we switch around less. Plus, if you can leave yourself chunks of three to four hours of free time, it allows you wiggle room.
6. Schedule Email! Choose two or three times in the day when you will dedicate 15-30 minutes for reading and responding to email. Do not let the email stream in!
7. Give Yourself Permission. Do the best you can and give yourself the OK to be happy with whatever outcome happens. Chances are that you are much, much more productive than you realize or typically give yourself credit for.

Good luck!

Critical Junctures

This weekend I watched "Young Adult" with Charlize Theron. It is by the writer of Juno and was much more thoughtful than I expected. It is about a woman who at 37, hates her job and can't find a good relationship. The movie tells the story of her going a little crazy for a little while as she makes some bad choices.

What struck me is just how common and relatable a story hers is. It is quite common for adults to reach a transitional stage around 28-30. We have proven ourselves and learned early professional skills, then begin to want to focus more fully on what we are really good at. Layer in the effect of the women's movement on our career aspirations, and the delay of marriage and motherhood, and you have a perfect storm. We look successful on paper, but feel frustrated and lost inside.

How do you avoid making bad choices? How do you know when a new job, boyfriend or project is really just a delaying tactic? How do you know when it's time to let go and either ask for help or really shift your strategy? I believe that we do it when we are ready. And the answer is part introspection, part strategy and information gathering. Either way, it begins with an awareness of the situation and really being kind to ourselves. It is not our fault, but the decision to make a change is ours to make. This morning I found a link to some tools that can be a starting point http://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/Free_Resources.php

The Women We Want to Be

Last Monday I was invited to participate in a book club meeting on the book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," which talks about the ways in which the Disney marketing machine influences our children. The conversation was rich, and opinions ranged from those who felt that we have more control than the book suggests, to those who felt that we don't. Nevertheless, what struck me as we talked is that it is difficult to evaluate how we want our daughters to be when they grow up, because we don't know who we want to be.

Women's roles have been evolving like a runaway train. They are still evolving. Our mothers and aunts can't always help us navigate the context we are living in. So why wouldn't we feel a bit uncertain about which values we stress as we bring up our daughters? Should be make sure they are self-reliant? Should we teach them strong relationship skills? My guess is that the answers are as varied as we are. I believe that a very good starting point is to ask ourselves a few questions about who we are.

• When you look back, what will be the most important to you about your relationship to your friends and family? To your work?
• What are the core values that govern your life? A great exercise to do yourself is the "Invite 12 people to dinner" exercise. Describe what it is about each one, and find the common values.
• What do you do easily and well? In what activities do you lose track of time? How can you incorporate more of that at work? In your personal life?
• When you look back on your life, what is the impact you want to have had on your work, family, and community?

This is just a quick start, but I do believe that with all of the possibilities we have at our disposal today, it is up to us to align ourselves with what makes us sing.

Mr. Right

I would love to hear others' experiences on this topic. This is a post about the power of effective listening and one of the biggest obstacles in its path. How often do you find yourself "listening" to someone, only to be formulating your response as they speak? As work it can sound like, "Yeah, great idea; what I really thing we should be doing is..." In personal relationships, it can sound like, "Wow, that's just like what happened to me. Let me tell you..."

Any good manager, salesperson or parent will tell you that one of the best ways to influence others is to first listen. In fact, one of the best ways to make a person think you are really, really smart is to listen more than you talk. So why don't we do it all the time?

One of the biggest reasons is our need to be right. Sometimes it comes from ego, or from a feeling that we don't respect or value the other person's opinion. Most often, however, it comes from the fear of being wrong. From our earliest school years right up into our work life, we are taught that we need to have the answer. And that being wrong makes us vulnerable. Why wouldn't we feel pressure to be right? On top of that, people can't talk nearly as fast as we can think (that is a fact), which means that we have plenty of time to be thinking about what we are going to say while someone is speaking to us.

Here are some tips on letting go of being right and being a better listener:

1) Take an active listening stance. Put away computer and phone, make eye contact, and make gentle nods or verbal acknowledgements.

2) Paraphrase. Repeat what the person said in a slightly different way. This doesn't mean begin every sentence with, "I hear you...but..." If you were responding to this post, it would sound like, "Wow, Claire. I can see that you think that listening is important."

3) Let go! Take a deep breath and decide to be OK with not having the answer, and with letting the other person have the floor. If you notice yourself beginning to formulate, just let the thought go out of your mind and refocus on what the other person is saying.

In this scenario I would ask my clients to give it a try and notice what happens. There is so much to learn in the noticing. Will you give it a try?

I Don't Know What I Want!

Clients come to coaching with different needs. Some know what they want and just need to know how to get it. Some know what they want, but won't admit it or are afraid of going for it. And many come saying that they really don't know what they want. This weekend I was re-reading Richard Florida's "The Rise of the Creative Class." He is an author of social trends and economics with some striking perspectives about the dramatic ways life has changed since the 1950's. To my mind, they are ways that can make it challenging to know what we want.

Talking about the 1950's versus today, he says:

"Very few of us work for the same large company or organization for life, and we are far less likely to pin our identity or sense of self-worth on whom we work for. We balance financial considerations against the ability to be ourselves, set our own schedules, do challenging work and live in communities that reflect our values and priorities."

We know that we are pulled in many directions in terms of what we want. But what makes it even more confusing, is that some of us are trying to navigate this new reality using the tools that our baby boomer or "greatest generation" parents taught us. We are living in an era where passion, innovation and self-expression drive success, but are trying to use security, a paternalistic organization and convention to figure out what that is.

If we don't go with the old way, how can we shake out what drives us? There are many ways. Myers-Briggs and other diagnostic tests can be effective. Coaches use visioning tools to get at core values. Just thinking about a few peak experiences in your life can be a great start.

Talk to Her

Lately I have been thinking about how to speak to women. I have a coaching practice that is almost exclusively women. And I spent 18 years in fragrance sales and marketing. So it seems natural that I should be interested in how to reach today's professional woman. Yet it is confusing. The same people who want to work on women's issues -- retaining more women in mid-career, work-life balance -- also seem to shy away from the prospect of reaching out to them directly. And sometimes, the events that are most likely to appeal to women, are under-attended. How do you speak to serious professional women in a way that appeals to our feminine side? I have often suspected that the answer might come from the fashion-cosmetics-retail world, where women are able to be comfortable in their femininity.

Which is why I was so excited to find a cool voice in "The View from the Top" in the Marie-Claire @Work supplement and to read about Joanna Coles in this weekend's NYT Styles section. I love this perspective. Instead of focusing on the plight of professional women, or the challenges of work-life balance, the Marie Claire article reads like any other winner talking about the spoils of victory. Natalie Massenet, Nancy Dubuc and Carolyn Everson all talk about enjoying being powerful and having a seat at the table. It reads like an article on Richard Branson or Steve Jobs. How lovely! If this is the next voice of feminism, I'm all in.