Affirmations

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!" Who doesn't chuckle when you think of Stuart Smalley.  Affirmations can sound funny, but they are a powerful tool.  They can be used to change the way others view us, to push us to perform in our areas of strength, or to bring awareness to the ways in which we undermine ourselves.

I often ask my clients to choose an affirmation that they tell themselves five times a day, and say it to someone else at least two times a day.  What they come back with is impressive.  One client whose organization had merged and was being treated like an outsider chose the line, "I am different.  And I am ok with that."  She used it with one of the colleagues who was being a bully in a meeting and it stopped him dead in his tracks.  By naming the very thing he was using to manipulate, she took back the power.  He apologized immediately for his behavior.

 In "Expect to Win," Carla Harris famously used the affirmation, "I'm tough!" to shift the perception that she was too gentle for the banking environment she works in.  And a recent  article I read suggested that women's frequent use of "I'm sorry!" as a tic can actually have an effect on our confidence and people's perception of our authority.

Want to give it a try?  Here are some guidelines:

• What is something you know you are good at and want to be known for?
• ...something you are good at but others don't seem to see?
• ...something you wish you were better at?
• ...something unspoken in your office that you can bust open by just saying it?
• ...a habit you say that undermines you.  How about stopping or replacing it?

Good luck!  Please share your experiences in the comment section.

Girls Will Be Girls

Yesterday I attended a six-year old "Eloise at the Plaza" birthday with my daughter.  While I wouldn’t want her to think every day is like that, I found it fun, charming, and surprisingly gracious.  Nevertheless, there was one moment when I found myself stifling a very self-conscious belly laugh --  the moment seemed almost surreal.  The girls, about 15 of them, had gotten to dress up into fairy and princess dresses, then came out from behind a curtain and did a catwalk, one by one, while the parents cheered and took photos.  The mom and girl in me thought it was all good fun.  I caught my daughter’s eye when it was her turn, and gave her a thumbs’ up.  

It was the professional woman in me who was blushing red.  We fight so hard to be taken seriously, and yet I can hardly deny that even at a very young age, so many of us love the attention that comes from physical beauty, pageantry and the social graces.  How do we reconcile the different roles we play?  

Let’s put aside, for a moment, the pay and power gaps we are still working to reduce and eliminate.  The reality is that so many high-achieving women today are having to synthesize the demands of very different roles.  At work we need to be unemotional and authoritative, but many of us crave the cherishing attention that comes from being more emotional and less authoritative in our personal lives.  To me, there is learning here.  It's true, we have to manage outside impressions to come across as professional.  But when we only focus on those, we don't get in touch with what really resonates for us.

There is an exercise I do with many of my clients, where we take a long look at different perspectives on work, relationships, motherhood, or whatever is important for them.  It is a great way for them to get in alignment with their core values, even the girly-girl stuff that doesn't fly at work.  I find that this exercise can ease so much of the stress of pressured lives.  We will always need to bounce between our various roles.  If we can do it by being true to ourselves, it can make all the difference.

Community and Rituals

This weekend I attended a six-year old birthday with my daughter.  All of the usual things were there -- pin the tail on the donkey, cake, goodie bags.  But there was something special about this one.  The parents were really present; the prep was done and they were calm and available.  They created the party for the parents too, not just the kids.  They seemed to have a ritual for entertaining, and it translated to everyone having a really nice time and connecting really easily.

This idea of community, connection and ritual has been with me a lot lately.  Whether it is the "Bringing Up Bebe" book, the way Marcella Hazan talks about the rituals around Italian eating in her famous "Classic Italian Cook Book," or yesterday's ironic article "The Outsourced Life" in the New York Times, we seem to be wanting the rituals and community that seem so present in many other countries.  These rituals are what make the fabric of community, culture, and civilization and to have to go it alone is "pushing water uphill" kind of work.  And that work largely falls on women, often working mothers.

America rates higher, by far, than any other country on metrics of individuality (versus collectivism) and tolerance of uncertainty (versus uncertainty avoidance)*.  This means that the American dream is alive and well; we can be and do anything we want to.  But it also means that there is not much energy dedicated to the rituals that support manners, meal time, community, volunteer work and so many other little things that fall on the shoulders of mothers, often working mothers.  It occurs to me that when women talk about work-life balance, part of their longing for a level of support that they can hardly articulate.  The reality is that flex-time and tele-commuting only go so far.  Whether it's the weekend bar-b-cue where everyone has a part, the dinner where kids and dad pitch in and set the table, or the person on the bus who gently reaches out to help a toddler to his seat or asks him to use an "inside voice."  Imagine what would be possible if this rich fabric were in place.

*see Geert Hofstede's work on National Dimensions of Culture.

Women's Networks

I found this week's New York Times article, "The Spirit of Sisterhood is in the Air and on the Air" quite interesting in the context of today's work world.  According to the article, women thrive when we are collaborative and support one another.  In fact, from this approach, we are the glue of society. That support is exactly what the women's networks of large banks, consultancies and other organizations seek to create.

The corporate cultures we live in today were largely developed by men in the early to middle part of the 20th century.  Within them is often an assumption of achievement, competition and an "each man for himself" way of thinking.  Interestingly, since the feminist movement, women have come to identify with the same sense of achievement men have.  When I talk to my client base of mid-career women, I consistently hear, "I want to maintain a key decision-making role even though I have/want a family."  So we are pulled in two ways:  One is our instinct to nurture and support one another, and the other is the desire to get ahead.

In coaching we call this competing values.  We want two things at once that seem to be in conflict with each other.  What can we do to resolve it?  The first step is to acknowledge both.  As women, we need to acknowledge our need for a nurturing type of support, even at work.  It doesn't mean we will get it, but it does mean we might stop blaming ourselves for not being as "tough" as some work cultures push us to be. This seems small, but it is critical.  Once we acknowledge what we need to be in alignment, we stop making decisions from a place of compromise.

The second step is to get informed.  There is a book I love on corporate strategy that reads like the playbook swiped from the men's locker-room, Carla Harris's, "Expect to Win."  It helps take the emotion and mystery out of navigating company politics.  The third step is to create small networks of trusted friends and colleagues.  These can be within your organization, or outside, but they need to support you.  And finally, be in choice - know when you will honor the competitor in you and when you will honor the girlfriend.  We need both.

Macchiato and Personal Leadership

This past week, on vacation in Virginia, I asked for a macchiato at a Starbucks. We were starting a long drive and had had a big lunch, so espresso with a small splash of milk seemed just right. What I got instead was a 16oz. cafe latte with an ounce of caramel syrup, topped with whipped cream and cinnamon. I was so taken aback, that I had to Wiki "Macchiato" when I got home.

What does this moment have to do with personal leadership? To me it is around the assumptions that we make. How often in life do we take something at face value, only to find that the light pick-me-up is actually a heavy, sleep-inducer, and not that good for us? And how often to we skip over questioning the visions that others create for us? This is at the heart of personal leadership and of being in the driver's seat in our lives.

Women today, especially high-achievers, are faced with images that I believe are distorted. Whether it is the 1950's mom who cooks all day and is still patient and loving at every turn, the unflappable employee who makes every promotion and bounces from one great opportunity to the next, or the part-time working mom who is hyper-efficient every day. Amazingly, we take these all on at once, without realizing that each one, on its own, is near-impossible to achieve. It is a nine car pile-up that leaves us frustrated at best, depleted and down at worst.

Here's an idea. How about taking a look at the assumptions that you make. If you are a mother, what is most important to you in motherhood? What was the same, and different, from your own mother? At work, do you really want the next promotion just because it's there? If you could write your own career path, what would it look like? And in the comparison game, what is your unique combination of interests and values that makes it OK to be just you? I would love to hear what you come up with.

The Enemy Within

I have a fear of flying. It started when I was 28 and peaked in my early 30's. It is a frustrating fear because I consider myself to be an intelligent person. Over the years I have spent a lot of energy managing this fear and now, with advanced preparation, I fly with only a low-level of discomfort. At the heart of my success in overcoming this fear is the understanding that the symptoms (panic, shortness of breath, heightened sense of hearing) have nothing to do with the reality. The plane will land safely. The fear is a separate force that I can manage. I find it worth it to fight for this perspective; thanks to my efforts, I get enjoy the pleasures of seeing family and friends, and experiencing new places.

Imagine my life if I caved to my fear. No travel, no exploration, no friends and family. Sounds ridiculous, right? Yet every day we risk making similar concessions because we don't a) acknowledge our fears and b) see them for what they are: separate from reality. When talking about fear, some coaches refer to gremlins or saboteurs, some to limiting beliefs. I love the word saboteur, because our fears really do sabotage our progress and our dreams. They sound like, "What if I get promoted and they realize that I can't do the job?" or "What if I get a new job and realize that I don't like it and have to re-neg?" or "Why would I be the one? There are other people much smarter (prettier, more engaging, etc) who will surely get that job (promotion, guy, etc)." Think of all the resumes not sent, the networking events skipped, the opportunities overlooked.

Some signs that saboteurs are lurking are: procrastination, laziness or lack of motivation, constant overwhelm, or working too hard in an area separate from where we are looking to make progress. How do we fight them? In one of the Harry Potter books, the professor made the kids visualize their worst fear, then wave their wand at it and say, "Ridiculous!"

The key is to first imagine, or recognize the fear. What are the things that go off in your head when you think of making a change or taking on a new project? What is the self-judgement behind the fear? Write it down. The next step is to analyze it. Where does the belief come from? A fear of failure may come from having high standards. A fear of looking stupid may come from a complex knowledge of the topic at hand. These are good things. Think about seeing the positive in the fear. Then, like in Harry Potter, simply poke fun at it. In my training*, we learned to imagine the saboteur as a real character, to write its biography, ask ourselves what feeds it, what it does when we are not around, and what threatens it. There is a thought -- what threatens it. Chances are, what threatens our gremlins is being open, gathering information, making steady progress, taking action, etc, etc.

I will leave you with one thought: What is on the other side of your fear that you really, really want? What do you want that would make it worth it to face your fears?

*Coach Training Institute, San Rafael, CA

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

Next weekend my husband and I leave with our two small children for a week of sightseeing and camping, which means planning, packing, and getting the taxes done by Friday. I have events on Tuesday and Thursday, homework for a fantastic 8-week course I am taking (NadineNicolson.com), plus the regular work I do for my clients and business. Oh, and none of the camping trip has been reserved. Oh, and my husband is in a crunch time at work.

Officially overwhelmed! Here are my favorite tips for dealing with the times when I feel overwhelmed:

1. Take a deep breath. Meditation won't get the work done. However, it will help manage the anxiety that builds up and gets in the way of clear thought (see Daniel Goleman's "Emotional Intelligence"). I usually find a quiet time and place, take a few long, deep breaths and visualize something that will guide me. The visual can be "me at my best," or an element of nature that is calm, or powerful. However it is I want to feel as I take on the situation.
2. Perspective Wheel. This is from Coach Training Institute, where I did my training. An add-on to the staying calm bit, this is a way to see different sides of the situation. Write down the situation from as many points of view as you can. You can start with the doom and gloom, but then consider more positive ones. Maybe you are here because all of your hard work has gotten you to a place of increased responsibility. Or maybe the perspective from you, one year from now, calm and accomplished. Then, write your To Do list from the perspective you most want to be in. Taking action from that perspective will help make it the reality.
3. Do a time check. Rather than begin with a To Do list, I take a look at the calendar and see how many hours I actually have to dedicate to the tasks. This will help me prioritize. It will also help me say no to requests that may come up this week and eat into the time I do have. Here is more on the Time Capsule method.
4. Prioritize. There is a great tool from Stephen Covey for helping decide the most critical tasks. It is called the Time Management Matrix and helps articulate the tasks that don't feel urgent, but are important, from those that are time wasters. I love this tool.
5. Cluster tasks. Do like things with like things. Making calls, whatever the purpose, can be done together. Doing research, responding to emails, etc. We use less mental energy when we switch around less. Plus, if you can leave yourself chunks of three to four hours of free time, it allows you wiggle room.
6. Schedule Email! Choose two or three times in the day when you will dedicate 15-30 minutes for reading and responding to email. Do not let the email stream in!
7. Give Yourself Permission. Do the best you can and give yourself the OK to be happy with whatever outcome happens. Chances are that you are much, much more productive than you realize or typically give yourself credit for.

Good luck!