Critical Junctures

This weekend I watched "Young Adult" with Charlize Theron. It is by the writer of Juno and was much more thoughtful than I expected. It is about a woman who at 37, hates her job and can't find a good relationship. The movie tells the story of her going a little crazy for a little while as she makes some bad choices.

What struck me is just how common and relatable a story hers is. It is quite common for adults to reach a transitional stage around 28-30. We have proven ourselves and learned early professional skills, then begin to want to focus more fully on what we are really good at. Layer in the effect of the women's movement on our career aspirations, and the delay of marriage and motherhood, and you have a perfect storm. We look successful on paper, but feel frustrated and lost inside.

How do you avoid making bad choices? How do you know when a new job, boyfriend or project is really just a delaying tactic? How do you know when it's time to let go and either ask for help or really shift your strategy? I believe that we do it when we are ready. And the answer is part introspection, part strategy and information gathering. Either way, it begins with an awareness of the situation and really being kind to ourselves. It is not our fault, but the decision to make a change is ours to make. This morning I found a link to some tools that can be a starting point http://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/Free_Resources.php

The Women We Want to Be

Last Monday I was invited to participate in a book club meeting on the book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," which talks about the ways in which the Disney marketing machine influences our children. The conversation was rich, and opinions ranged from those who felt that we have more control than the book suggests, to those who felt that we don't. Nevertheless, what struck me as we talked is that it is difficult to evaluate how we want our daughters to be when they grow up, because we don't know who we want to be.

Women's roles have been evolving like a runaway train. They are still evolving. Our mothers and aunts can't always help us navigate the context we are living in. So why wouldn't we feel a bit uncertain about which values we stress as we bring up our daughters? Should be make sure they are self-reliant? Should we teach them strong relationship skills? My guess is that the answers are as varied as we are. I believe that a very good starting point is to ask ourselves a few questions about who we are.

• When you look back, what will be the most important to you about your relationship to your friends and family? To your work?
• What are the core values that govern your life? A great exercise to do yourself is the "Invite 12 people to dinner" exercise. Describe what it is about each one, and find the common values.
• What do you do easily and well? In what activities do you lose track of time? How can you incorporate more of that at work? In your personal life?
• When you look back on your life, what is the impact you want to have had on your work, family, and community?

This is just a quick start, but I do believe that with all of the possibilities we have at our disposal today, it is up to us to align ourselves with what makes us sing.

Mr. Right

I would love to hear others' experiences on this topic. This is a post about the power of effective listening and one of the biggest obstacles in its path. How often do you find yourself "listening" to someone, only to be formulating your response as they speak? As work it can sound like, "Yeah, great idea; what I really thing we should be doing is..." In personal relationships, it can sound like, "Wow, that's just like what happened to me. Let me tell you..."

Any good manager, salesperson or parent will tell you that one of the best ways to influence others is to first listen. In fact, one of the best ways to make a person think you are really, really smart is to listen more than you talk. So why don't we do it all the time?

One of the biggest reasons is our need to be right. Sometimes it comes from ego, or from a feeling that we don't respect or value the other person's opinion. Most often, however, it comes from the fear of being wrong. From our earliest school years right up into our work life, we are taught that we need to have the answer. And that being wrong makes us vulnerable. Why wouldn't we feel pressure to be right? On top of that, people can't talk nearly as fast as we can think (that is a fact), which means that we have plenty of time to be thinking about what we are going to say while someone is speaking to us.

Here are some tips on letting go of being right and being a better listener:

1) Take an active listening stance. Put away computer and phone, make eye contact, and make gentle nods or verbal acknowledgements.

2) Paraphrase. Repeat what the person said in a slightly different way. This doesn't mean begin every sentence with, "I hear you...but..." If you were responding to this post, it would sound like, "Wow, Claire. I can see that you think that listening is important."

3) Let go! Take a deep breath and decide to be OK with not having the answer, and with letting the other person have the floor. If you notice yourself beginning to formulate, just let the thought go out of your mind and refocus on what the other person is saying.

In this scenario I would ask my clients to give it a try and notice what happens. There is so much to learn in the noticing. Will you give it a try?