We're the Same...but Different

I loved coming across this article titled, "Centered Leadership: How Talented Women Thrive" in the McKinsey Quarterly. The article presents a model for leadership that is specially designed with women in mind, and it reminded me of a story in my own life.

Years ago when I was in the market for a road bike, I heard about cycles that were specially designed for women. I went to several New York stores and was told that they were a marketing gimmick by salesman after salesman. At one store, the salesman was particularly critical and made me feel quite stupid.

I eventually came across a modest, cool guy at Gotham Bikes near Canal Street and he sold me my Trek model for women. I loved it. Really loved it. It fit me like a glove. In fact, several months later I was on a day trip with the New York Cycle Club. During a break one of the other riders commented on it, saying, "That bike fits you like a glove." I couldn't place him at first, but after a minute or two I realized that it was the salesman who'd made me feel so stupid!

This article spoke to me in the same way. Becoming a leader as a woman takes many of the same tools as it does for men. However, there are subtle ways in which the tools are different, the process is different, or the barriers to seeing and using the tools are different for women. Thank you to those who are doing the hard micro research to figure it out.

Taking Responsibility

Thomas Friedman wrote a article this Sunday called, "How About Better Parents?" In it he says that too many parents demand better teachers, when in fact the biggest difference in children's school performance comes from parent involvement.

Reading the article, it occurred to how much we look to others to take care of so many things in our lives. If we are not happy in our marriage, it's marriage's fault (or the spouse's). If we are not getting promoted at work, it's the company's fault. If we can't get a new job, it's the economy's fault. In many ways, it really is not our fault that we think this way. We live in a society that trains us to believe that products, services, lawyers, even therapists can take care of the tough stuff.

Yet interestingly, the world moves forward around us. So, how do we know when we are falling into the "I'm not responsible" trap? What are you frustrated about? Who do you find yourself being envious of? What messages that you hear annoy you?

A couple of thoughts. Rather than take a blanket approach, what small version of the ideal can you bite off? Even one date with your spouse can have a tremendous effect. One successful project at work, or one lunch with a colleague can really help move things forward. Then, what is the voice telling you that you cannot have what you want? Is it really true? And finally, one master of taking responsibility is Stephen Covey. I am re-reading his Seven Habits and keep finding new inspiration.

Competence and Incompetence

Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to suddenly feel really disconnected from it? Or, like you suddenly don't know anything about anything? Let me introduce you to the Four Stages of Competence, a concept widely used in coaching. The idea is that we begin from unconscious incompetence, or we don't know what we don't know. Think of flying the Space Shuttle. Then we go into conscious incompetence,where we know we don't know, are learning and make lots of mistakes. After that comes conscious competence, where we are doing really well but are still very aware of what we are doing and often still need structures. Finally the holy grail: unconscious competence. Here, we aren't even thinking about it, and it is happening easily, effortlessly. What coaches often forget to tell you is that unconscious competence can feel very disorienting. The "hard" part is no longer there. It can feel like you are not working, and so it can feel unproductive. What's more, reaching a new level of competence is like reaching a base camp on a long climb. It is nice to take a rest, but when you look up and see the next big challenge, you can suddenly feel very small and incompetent all over again. I see it with my clients quite a bit. A sudden feeling that nothing is happening; a release in tension that feels like a rope snapped. What they don't realize is that the hand that was holding the back of the seat is gone and they are now riding the bike all on their own. In my own life, I am in this kind of moment. After three years of working with more than 100 clients, regular teaching workshops and speaking engagements, I am feeling firmly established and confident as a coach. BUT...as I look ahead I am finding that my next peak is just becoming visible out of the fog. It will surely be around using my learning towards Leadership Development in a corporate setting, but exactly what it will look like is still developing. What would it look like to take a moment and appreciate what you have achieved? What competence have you mastered in the last 12 months? What were the signs that you had begun to do it without thinking? What new possibility has that opened for you that did not exist before? Please, take time to rest and celebrate before you take on the next climb!