The Cinderella Feminist

An article in today’s NYT Magazine caught my eye. It featured the successful screenwriter Aline Brosh McKenna (The Devil Wears Prada) and talked about how she has captured what today’s women really want; Prince Charming is no longer enough. What women want is the mojo that lands them the man and the job:

“McKenna’s take on the fairytale has more in common with classic superhero stories in which the protagonists have secret powers and are waiting for their moment to shine. Cinderella, she said, is ‘ultimately about that feeling people have that if only someone would give them a chance, they would see what they really could do.’ “

I can’t tell you how this resonated with the work I do with my clients. 30-45 year old women in 21^st century America are faced with powerful messages about who they should be. These are messages generated by Baby Boomers (women and men), men full stop, and some very old mythologies that drive the American Dream. The end result is confusion, near debilitating pressure, and often quiet depression.

It seems that so many women today have the nagging feeling that there is something else out there, another way, but they don’t know what it is. Powering through to the Corner Office doesn’t seem quite right. Being home with kids and being the perfect wife and mother doesn’t seem quite right. To me, women like Angelina Jolie are heroines to our generation because they have wrestled with their identiy and ultimately carved their own way. Hilary Clinton, as incredible as she is, feels like someone whose values were limited by a still rigid idea of what was possible.

The heroine, the fully actualized beneficiary of the women’s movement, is the woman who knows herself and is unapologetic about having her own pleasure as an end goal. Not because it gives her the wherewithal to take care of husband, children and parents, but just for her.

With my clients, I find that they become incredibly powerful, not when they follow the model of their predecessors or of men, but when they take the time to find out who they really are, what drives them, and what they want their impact on the world to be. When they hit this sweet spot, it opens them up to enormous possibility. They are more successful at work, in dating, and in friendship. It is hard work, but the results are impressive.

Women at Play

"Caution: Women Playing" was a fantastic article in the New York Times Thursday Styles section a couple of weeks ago. The article highlights a group "that seeks to bring play and fun into the lives of over-scheduled New York women."

As I read the article, I was not at all surprised to see that the group was begun by a French woman in Brooklyn. Having been raised by a French mother myself gave me three things: An unwavering belief that women's personal fulfillment and pleasure are worthy goals in and of themselves, the understanding that we need less, "Just Do It!" and more gentle support, and just enough outside perspective to understand that we don't need to always accept the status quo. Just because our culture, parents, teachers, or the media says it, doesn't mean it's true for us.

So my questions to readers are: What are the things you love to do that you've let go? Think back on your life -- highschool, college, summer camp. If it's difficult to identify (it often is), then what actions can you take to get back in touch with what you like? Meditation, trying new things, changing your schedule, or maybe joining a women's play group!

Ladies, Take the Seat!

The other day I was on a crowded subway. Two attractive women were standing in front of me, chatting, headed home from work. A young 30-something man was next to me, legs splayed out so he took up two seats. Suddenly (I was surprised and impressed), he looked around, noticed the women and popped up to give them their seats.

The two women, automatically and it seemed by reflex, very nicely said thank you, but no. But as soon as the guy got off at the next stop, they took his seat! So really, they did want to sit.

As a coach who works with women on dating, I just have to use this moment to articulate something. You might say that it is old-fashioned to advocate taking a seat, engaging in a game of chivalry, or even flirtation, with a stranger on a subway. Maybe some will say it's demeaning. What I am talking about is something different.

In coaching we talk a lot about intimacy, about letting others see who we are, being vulnerable. Women and men. It's hard, but it lets us connect with the world around us in a much more meaningful way. But when I look around, I see us using the messages of a post-feminist world -- independence, strength, self-reliance, to create an invisible shield around us. In that fleeting moment between the offer of a seat and its flurried acceptance or denial, we aren't actually having a clear thought about what we want. We're really not. And by highjacking that thought process, we miss out on a gentle acknowledgement of our femininity. And that is so important!

Dating is hard, and you need all the acknowledgement you can get. As a single woman, how many times did I get dressed, put on makeup, do my hair, only to deny the offer of a seat in a bar or at a party. What was I thinking? I needed the follow through to acknowledge that all the effort I'd made was worth it.

So ladies, next time someone offers you a seat, will you give it some real thought?