Affirmations

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!" Who doesn't chuckle when you think of Stuart Smalley.  Affirmations can sound funny, but they are a powerful tool.  They can be used to change the way others view us, to push us to perform in our areas of strength, or to bring awareness to the ways in which we undermine ourselves.

I often ask my clients to choose an affirmation that they tell themselves five times a day, and say it to someone else at least two times a day.  What they come back with is impressive.  One client whose organization had merged and was being treated like an outsider chose the line, "I am different.  And I am ok with that."  She used it with one of the colleagues who was being a bully in a meeting and it stopped him dead in his tracks.  By naming the very thing he was using to manipulate, she took back the power.  He apologized immediately for his behavior.

 In "Expect to Win," Carla Harris famously used the affirmation, "I'm tough!" to shift the perception that she was too gentle for the banking environment she works in.  And a recent  article I read suggested that women's frequent use of "I'm sorry!" as a tic can actually have an effect on our confidence and people's perception of our authority.

Want to give it a try?  Here are some guidelines:

• What is something you know you are good at and want to be known for?
• ...something you are good at but others don't seem to see?
• ...something you wish you were better at?
• ...something unspoken in your office that you can bust open by just saying it?
• ...a habit you say that undermines you.  How about stopping or replacing it?

Good luck!  Please share your experiences in the comment section.

Girls Will Be Girls

Yesterday I attended a six-year old "Eloise at the Plaza" birthday with my daughter.  While I wouldn’t want her to think every day is like that, I found it fun, charming, and surprisingly gracious.  Nevertheless, there was one moment when I found myself stifling a very self-conscious belly laugh --  the moment seemed almost surreal.  The girls, about 15 of them, had gotten to dress up into fairy and princess dresses, then came out from behind a curtain and did a catwalk, one by one, while the parents cheered and took photos.  The mom and girl in me thought it was all good fun.  I caught my daughter’s eye when it was her turn, and gave her a thumbs’ up.  

It was the professional woman in me who was blushing red.  We fight so hard to be taken seriously, and yet I can hardly deny that even at a very young age, so many of us love the attention that comes from physical beauty, pageantry and the social graces.  How do we reconcile the different roles we play?  

Let’s put aside, for a moment, the pay and power gaps we are still working to reduce and eliminate.  The reality is that so many high-achieving women today are having to synthesize the demands of very different roles.  At work we need to be unemotional and authoritative, but many of us crave the cherishing attention that comes from being more emotional and less authoritative in our personal lives.  To me, there is learning here.  It's true, we have to manage outside impressions to come across as professional.  But when we only focus on those, we don't get in touch with what really resonates for us.

There is an exercise I do with many of my clients, where we take a long look at different perspectives on work, relationships, motherhood, or whatever is important for them.  It is a great way for them to get in alignment with their core values, even the girly-girl stuff that doesn't fly at work.  I find that this exercise can ease so much of the stress of pressured lives.  We will always need to bounce between our various roles.  If we can do it by being true to ourselves, it can make all the difference.

Community and Rituals

This weekend I attended a six-year old birthday with my daughter.  All of the usual things were there -- pin the tail on the donkey, cake, goodie bags.  But there was something special about this one.  The parents were really present; the prep was done and they were calm and available.  They created the party for the parents too, not just the kids.  They seemed to have a ritual for entertaining, and it translated to everyone having a really nice time and connecting really easily.

This idea of community, connection and ritual has been with me a lot lately.  Whether it is the "Bringing Up Bebe" book, the way Marcella Hazan talks about the rituals around Italian eating in her famous "Classic Italian Cook Book," or yesterday's ironic article "The Outsourced Life" in the New York Times, we seem to be wanting the rituals and community that seem so present in many other countries.  These rituals are what make the fabric of community, culture, and civilization and to have to go it alone is "pushing water uphill" kind of work.  And that work largely falls on women, often working mothers.

America rates higher, by far, than any other country on metrics of individuality (versus collectivism) and tolerance of uncertainty (versus uncertainty avoidance)*.  This means that the American dream is alive and well; we can be and do anything we want to.  But it also means that there is not much energy dedicated to the rituals that support manners, meal time, community, volunteer work and so many other little things that fall on the shoulders of mothers, often working mothers.  It occurs to me that when women talk about work-life balance, part of their longing for a level of support that they can hardly articulate.  The reality is that flex-time and tele-commuting only go so far.  Whether it's the weekend bar-b-cue where everyone has a part, the dinner where kids and dad pitch in and set the table, or the person on the bus who gently reaches out to help a toddler to his seat or asks him to use an "inside voice."  Imagine what would be possible if this rich fabric were in place.

*see Geert Hofstede's work on National Dimensions of Culture.