Good Deeds

This morning I had coffee at a small tea salon at the corner of 73rd and Amsterdam, and I sat next to the window, facing the intersection. We just had 20+ inches of snow in New York, and the corner had two 18" wide slippery, bumpy paths between the mounds of snow, one going West and one going South. For the hour that I sat I watched people, one after the other, helping elderly New Yorkers get across the street. Even in the midst of all the normal rushing, people helped each other. One guy even hailed a cab while the woman he was helping stood on the sidewalk, then got her settled in the cab and walked away. With him as with the others, I could see a pep in their step after their good deed. Helping someone else gives us such a sense of self-esteem.

So, next time you think, "I won't get up/lend a hand/say something. What if it makes them feel old/she isn't pregnant/they don't need help," how about reaching out anyway? The good feeling you get from someone else's appreciation is well worth taking the chance.

Intention

I loved this weekend's Modern Love article in the NYT Styles section. The author had gone to see a rabbi about wanting to meet a husband. She told him about her inability to meet Mr. Right, and the rabbi told her she was cursed. He then (for a small fee), reversed the curse.

The story resonated with me. A year and a half before I got married, I saw a tarot reader about the same issue. Seeing a fortune teller was not something I'd ever done, so it felt like a leap of faith. She told me that I'd be married and pregnant with the current boyfriend within two years. The effect was wonderful. I felt so calm and could finally focus on enjoying my life and my evolving relationship. And it let my intention to marry and have a family live like a soft focus in the background.

Intention is a big thing for coaches. It's one of the reasons we are so into visions. If you have a sense of where you are going, you have an intention. And that intention feeds all of the little choices and decisions that you make. And all of those little decisions add up to a plan, and to action. It's not that I don't believe in strategy and goal setting. I just believe that it all works in harmony. A cousin of mine explained that when he wanted to paint an ocean and sky landscape, he would paint his canvasses blue before beginning the image. Without that, he said, you can never achieve the color cast you are after. So intention is like that initial coat of paint. It shapes everything you do.

Even Coaches Get the Blues

Last month I found myself very busy with work. I also found myself distracted, unmotivated and a little blue. Finally, and thankfully, a friend of mine said, "Maybe you're a little depressed."

It was such a mild statement, but it jarred me. Me, depressed? I am a coach for goodness sake! And after a very short while, it relieved me. In fact, I had reason to be sad. Several shift had recently taken place in my life, some of them good, but I hadn't adjusted to the change and it was throwing me off.

Today normal sadness seems to be unacceptable. Finding literature on this phenomenon wasn't difficult. The book I found actually advocates for sadness as a good thing. I often think of the myth of the Rugged Individual. In America we seem to think that our fate is exclusively in our hands. We reject passive acceptance of sadness because it carries the implication of a lack of control. So what do we do when things happen in our lives that legitimately cause sadness and that need time to digest?

The first thing that seems to work for me is to realize that there is a legitimate cause for sadness and not be so hard on myself. Yes we all should and do get sad. When someone dies, when we leave our beloved friends because of a job change, when we move to a new neighborhood or city, the change can be hard. Once there is awareness, you can work on the problem. The second thing I do is to let time work for me. We think of mourning as something that applies to the death of a close loved one. But mourning can apply to any small loss or change, even a positive one. Yes, a positive one. Along with a great promotion can come sadness for the loss of easy camaraderie with piers who are no longer at the same level. Mourning is a period, no a moment. I let time do its thing. And the last thing I do is take care of myself. A period of sadness is no time to party excessively or laze around. If I am not up for a run, I take a walk. Little by little, the cycle breaks.

This past weekend I saw the Social Network. I thought it was pretty great. Interesting protagonists, sexy context, exciting endeavors. It was very entertaining.

What's bothered me are the comments I've heard about its being "Like Wall St., the defining movie of this generation!" Is this really how we want a generation to be defined? Success that is totally one dimensional, without thought to the wholeness of the human experience? I get it that as Americans, we respond to the mythology of the rugged individual. It is part of our history and part of who we are. We love the lone guy who makes it big, who overcomes adversity, who makes it happen.

But where we fail is in allowing success in one aspect of life, usually work, to override failings in others. In The Social Network, the main character ends up sad and alone. He alienates and hurts friends along the way. He steals. And while it is the proverbial 'moral of the story' that money can't buy happiness, he is still a hero for making billions of dollars. I remember having a similar reaction years ago when it was announced that Magic Johnson had AIDS. I understand that he had personal suffering. But he had also been systematically, for a long time, unfaithful to his wife. And families were throwing their children in front of him as a role model.

Money, achievement, power and status are overt signs of success. But what about the elements that make life rich but are less measurable and less overt: Character, transparency, support, communication. They are not rewarded in the same way and too often let go for the cold, hard results.

The Good New Days

This week I finally began watching the first season of Mad Men. Amazingly, I downloaded it through iTunes and bought the entire season in one click.

What struck me, and I'm sure I'm not alone, is the sadness in male/female relations in the show. I understand that the division between who is and isn't hip to the social changes of the era plays a big role in the dynamics across gender and within gender groups. But there is so much built in aggression and isolation between the sexes in the show. I recently read one of John Gray's Mars and Venus books. Something that stood out to me is his assertion that in the past, women looked to their girlfriends for support and to express their feelings. Nowadays, with women working and everyone so busy, we are much more likely to depend on our husbands for emotional and strategic work support. And it seems to me to be a happy change. Who wants to depend on, and share your life with, someone you don't feel intimacy with or communicate well with? So, for those who dream of the good old days, remember that every age or era has its pleasures.

Being Professional

Last week my friend and colleague, Denise Brown, blogged about her experience working at the Chicago Tribune in response to a New York Times article about that company’s culture. According to the article, the environment at the Tribune had become untenable thanks in large part to a new top executive, Randy Michaels. According to the article, and to my friend, Michaels's leadership encouraged a culture of intimidation, sexual impropriety, denial, exclusion and generally frat-boy like behavior. Those who participated did well, those who did not didn't.

As a New Yorker, the stories my friend described were not shocking. In a city full of highly ambitious people, tolerating inappropriate behavior in superiors can go with the territory of career advancement. But for me it did bring up a question I've thought about a lot: What is it to be professional? I can't count the number of times I heard someone be called a "professional" for being cold and distant, hiding their intent, or avoiding emotional elements in their communication.

At its core, being a professional is knowing one's craft and making a living at it. In our very complex corporate worlds, being a professional is more complicated. This summer I read The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck. When Pa Joad is being kicked off his land, he is told, "The company is not a man." Meaning that, the company does not bear the sort of human responsibility that small business bosses, neighbors, friends, families, bear towards one another. From this perspective, why not misbehave? After all, no one is really responsible.

Maybe it sounds negative, but to me there is truth here. In today's work environments those with power can act however they want to. They are not responsible. Many senior executives don't manage their concerns and frustrations, and instead yell at subordinates. Then, the mid and lower level employees behave like robots. Unfortunately, the very same doubts and frustrations, if expressed, are viewed as negative from someone at their level. So, it becomes a Darwinian story of competition, where some devise ways to get to the top just so they can behave how they want to.

I'd like to offer another perspective. Corporate life is here to stay. And being human is here to stay. Why not let employees at all levels be authentic at work? I hear coach after coach compare notes and say that within ten minutes of the first meeting, their corporate clients are talking about their personal lives and how to be more authentic at work. What's more, I've seen first hand how mid-management clients who are authentic at work actually advance better than when they were trying to fit a "professional" mold. So for our own progress, and for one another, how about coming from a place of dignity, support, healthy competition and pleasure in a job well done? What could work be like if we could progress, be our best selves, and not be afraid or uncomfortable? What profits could corporations see if they actually got the most out of their employees?

In Pursuit of Excellence

Last Sunday I attended a concert by the Vienna Philharmonic at Carnegie Hall, featuring Yoyo Ma and conducted by Gustavo Dudamel. I've seen beautiful concerts, but this is the first time I've been moved to tears. It felt important, transformational, and it has stayed with me.

What is it that is so important about transcendental levels of excellence? Coaches spend so much time focusing on balance, calm, being present and acknowledging the small successes. So where does the crazy, unbalanced, destabilizing pursuit of excellence fit in? And why do we need it so badly?

In truth coaches also spend a lot of time on fulfillment. And fulfillment by definition is about urgency, purpose and impact. When you think about Mozart and how he locked himself in a room, not eating or stopping until his work was finished, you see fulfillment at work. Dan Pink talks about three intrinsic motivators: autonomy, mastery and purpose. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his 1998 book Finding Flow, reveals how having that sense of larger purpose and your impact on others, makes it easier to take pleasure in the ups and downs of everyday life. In my coaching program (CTI), they say that, "Living a fulfilling life is a radical act."

Next time you are wondering whether doing what you love and being someone you can be proud to be is worth it, remember that between evenings performing at Carnegie Hall, Yoyo Ma has plenty of tedious rehearsals and photo shoots. Excellence is not about ease and bliss every moment, but it is about drinking from one of life's renewable sources.

Personal Innovation

This morning a client who is job-hunting said, "I came to you because what I've done in the past isn't working in this economy. I am open to trying a new approach." Wow, what courage! When an accomplished professional with significant success is willing to try something totally new, to me it shows enormous strength of character. With this in mind, I was inspired to do a little research around innovation. Innovation is such a hot topic in business literature; how can we use those lessons in our personal and professional endeavors? And, how do the lessons from business lit connect to the coaching approach?

Right away I came across a Harvard Business School article entitled, "Managing Innovation: Controlled Chaos." Among the success factors, a couple of things stood out to me. The first is Need Orientation, which is roughly: approaching potential customers early, testing solutions in users' hands, learning from the interactions, and adapting (I have paraphrased from the article). This speaks to a person's determination and willingness to adapt and try new approaches. Other factors were being Fanatic and having a Long Time Horizon.

Another article, "Value Innovation: The Strategic Logic of High Growth" suggests that companies that flounder are playing a "Keep up with the Joneses" game. Instead, the success strategy is to make competitors irrelevant by using a logic called Value Innovation, meaning that you redefine what the real product need is.

Translating this into coaching terms, we talk about periods of "conscious incompetence." This would correspond to the idea of controlled chaos. You jump into a black hole, you don't know what's going on, but you let your values and vision serve as your guide. That way, you can be true to yourself even while you are open to the mistakes that allow you to learn. As for Value Innovation, who are you comparing yourself to? Where should your focus really be? And finally, the idea of a long time horizon translates to not being married to the outcome. Yes, you want your vision to succeed, but you are open to the changes and improvements to it that your learning provides.

So, where are you finding that your existing approach isn't working? How courageous are you to try something new?

Steak

A few weeks ago we stayed with friends who served us steak. These friends are thin, healthy and full of energy. I was totally intrigued. So much so that I admitted that I'd never really cooked steak as an adult and the few times I did it didn't turn out so well. You see, I'd allowed the common belief that red meat is bad to become an absolute. Rather than enjoy it in moderation, I'd eliminated it completely.

I've started making steak whenever I want, which amounts to about once a week. What a difference. I realized that steak nourishes me physically, but also mentally. It feels like an itch that I finally scratched. I have more energy, have actually lost, not gained weight, and somehow feel like my world got bigger.

So, where are you carrying stories about what you shouldn't do? Are there friendships you don't pursue because you think they aren't right for you? Is there a career direction that you constantly talk yourself out of? Is there a trip you want to take? Where are the, "Yeah, but..s" in your life? What would it be like to scratch that itch? What nourishment and abundance are you keeping at bay?

Crafting

In the last couple of weeks, I've been enchanted by the theme of crafting. On my vacation I discovered a copy of The Grapes of Wrath in the house and was surprised at how rapt I was. I absolutely plowed through it. I was amazed at how John Steinbeck told a story within a literary texture that makes the reader feel the emotions and circumstances of the characters all the more. Then, this past weekend my husband and I saw The Kids Are All Right. Again, crafting was everywhere. Mark Ruffalo's character owns an organic Alice Waters style restaurant whose ingredients come from his own organic garden. Then in one scene, Annette Bening's character tells Mark Ruffalo's "If you want a family so badly, why don't you go out and make your own!"

I found comfort in both works around the theme of family. In an age where so much is written about the dissatisfaction that parents feel, it is nice to see an homage to the what is built with years of effort. But the metaphor holds true for whatever life we live. I love to watch a client really discover his or her authentic self, then craft their life around the newly discovered values. Sometimes the change is sudden and immediate, sometimes it is gradual. But I do know that once the client discovers it, to live that life becomes absolutely urgent. A cousin of mine this summer shared a quote, "Tout bonheur est un chef d'oeuvre. It means, "Every happiness is a work of art." So, like a well-crafted work of art, an authentic life is a thing of beauty.

Re-calibration

Just back from two weeks of vacation and am feeling amazed. Before leaving I wrote about my intention to re-calibrate during this break. Wow, maybe it was that intention or maybe it was just creating a void, but I really did come home with a lot of clarity.

My vacation was in France. I was bringing my children to see the extended family for the first time. The expectations around what it meant for me, the knowledge that it would be difficult on the children because of the language, and the experience of having felt the difference in child-rearing styles as a child myself made it a loaded visit. I had a lot of hope and apprehension around it. Mostly that I would feel pressure to show my children off as passably French. That they should behave well and be charming and that I should be able to absorb all of the cultural differences so that their experience would be stress-free.

Well, not quite. It was wonderful. I got to share more than I'd hoped. Walking on the beach I shared with my mother as a child, climbing the rocks along the seashore, and getting the rare and wonderful pleasure of a full day of traditional Breton dancing. On the other side, there were long and tiring moments during which I saw my kids struggling and during which I struggled to stay true to my own, American style of parenting. It may sound minor, but anyone who has grown up juggling cultures knows that it is a big challenge.

So in the end, I was able to be myself most of the time. I was able to let go of old stories about how things should be and integrate my different worlds in a patchwork that was present and authentic. It was incredible liberating. The moments in life when you can be excited about going away, and equally excited about coming home to the life you've built are truly a pleasure.

Vacating

Today I leave for two weeks of vacation with my family. I love looking at the origins of words. In the case of vacation, the people who made up the word all those years ago knew that the key thought here is vacating. Vacating a home, presumably. But it also makes me think of vacating your mind, vacating your schedule, vacating the routine of your life.

When I was 34 I went on an extended vacation. I quit my job, traveled for two months, and then freelanced for a year. It was great. I remember thinking, intentionally, that I was creating a black hole. I was creating a vacancy for what was to come. I didn't know what it was, so it took some courage, but I did understand the importance of not trying to create the future from the past. Creating empty space makes room for something new, for growth.

These two weeks I am looking forward to making space for re-calibration. I am into my second year with two children and just beginning my third year of my career change and new business. I don't know exactly what the new normal will look like, but I do know that creating the vacancy is the first step.

Me, Not Ambitious?

On Monday evening I attended an event to celebrate the publishing of a Harvard Business Review article called, "The Battle for Female Talent in Emerging Markets." The gist of the article is that in countries where multinationals are looking to grow their businesses (Brazil, Russia, India and China), they need women to do the work, but there are a multitude of factors blocking women from maintaining mid-level manager jobs.

The factors standing in women's way are elder care, safety, and travel issues. Childcare is either inexpensive or easily accessible, so is actually not as much of an obstacle. What stood out to me was the enormous differences between American women and women from these counties in answering the question, "Am I ambitious?" According to the study, women in BRIC countries feel ambitious at rates of 60% to 90%. In the US, the number is closer to 35%. So, what is going on? Have American women become fundamentally lazy?

I'd like to offer another perspective because I actually feel very ambitious. My sense is that women in these countries are ambitious for private and public sector jobs outside the home. And, because home life is still woven with centuries of tradition (often grandparents will take care of the children, which ensures continuity of cultural norms), the women are not as worried. In the US, women have gone a long way towards parity in the work world. What is suffering however, and what needs much of our ambition and attention, is our quality of life, our daily culture and civilization. In the US we are seeing unprecedented levels of obesity, high levels of anti-depressant use, childhood diseases like ADD, and the list goes on.

So, could it be that women who are deciding it's just not worth it to give all of our work energy to the office are actually very ambitious for fixing an ailing society? I know that personally I feel like lots of people can replace me at my old job. My greatest ambitions at this point are twofold. The first is to raise resourceful, productive, socially conscious and happy adults. The second is to focus on helping individuals, and eventually corporations, to develop sustainable rhythms for life and work. My mom and dad immigrated from France and Luxembourg, respectively, and enjoyed very nice economic and professional success in the US. But to my mind that success came at a cost. The daily rituals of French life in the food, the connections and the intimacy, were watered down to the point where they really missed it. Now spend more than four months a year in Europe.

I get it. I miss it too. And I believe that its these missing rituals that are creating so much disequilibrium in the US. So, let's not call us not ambitious...we have a lot of work to do!

New Ways To Work

In the last few weeks I have had renewed energy around the bigger picture for my business. I want to help companies and individuals find real solutions to sustained happiness and productivity. One big piece of the puzzle is around asking companies to talk to their employees and find out how to bring more humanity to the work place. The other piece involves helping people take better care of themselves and work better. To that end, I recently came across a coach whose perspective I find so interesting, Tony Schwartz and the Energy Project. In one Huffington Post blog, he talked about the benefits of stopping for lunch. Having worked for a company that did stop for lunch, I can tell you that I am a believer. We were so engaged and productive that we were growing at twice the industry average. A case of individuals and policy coming together beautifully.

A Coach for Gen X and beyond

For the last two years I have been focused on single women in mid-career who are frustrated at work, and longing for a family. I now see something much bigger. It's not that this group is not important. I was in that group, and I know from personal experience how important it is to shake things up. When I say something bigger I mean this:

In the last 50 years, our society has undergone massive change. Where once finishing college (for men), finding a good job, marrying and moving back to the town you grew up in was the formula for moving into adulthood, things have changed. We've had civil rights, feminism, geographic movement, globalization and technology, and divorce and layoffs on a mass scale. In short, our very foundations have been irreparably shaken.

At the same time, academia, Corporate America and the Baby Boomer generation have been slow to respond. The corporate hierarchy that was developed by Henry Ford and depression and war era executives has barely evolved. The vision of marriage as the answer to one's personal life is a firm as ever. As such, we are expected to do well in school, get the best job we can, eventually marry, and just be happy. And herein lies the rub...

So how do we evolve? My feeling is that by looking inward we find two things. One is our personal values, the ideals that drive us. The second is an organic rhythm that all humans share. The rhythm relies on recognizing our need for support and acknowledgement, being open to healthy communication that lets us honor ourselves and others, and pacing ourselves in a way that is sustainable.

I believe that coaching is a powerful tool towards this evolution. One at a time, we can find ways to make small changes that allow us to evolve the system without endangering its basic functioning. One at a time, we can come to a bigger collective happiness.

In Friday's New York Times Patricia Cohen had an article about delayed adulthood. It talks about how turning 21 no longer qualifies as a transition to adulthood. Traditionally, the model was that a person would turn 21, finish their studies, get a job, and marry within a few years. Now, people continue to study, and pursue long term professional goals so that marrying and family has become a lifestyle choice rather than a rite of passage.

The passage that stood out to me was this:

The stretched-out walk to independence is rooted in social and economic shifts that started in the 1970s, including a change from a manufacturing to a service-based economy that sent many more people to college, and the women’s movement, which opened up educational and professional opportunities.

I love this important shift in the rhetoric of career versus marriage. A few years ago, and even now, I read so often that women had chosen career over family. But I believe that for my generation, that was not quite right. My sense is that we did what was expected of us. Feminists were so enthused about the possibility of working that they consciously and unconsciously pushed their daughters to pursue professional achievement. No one was thinking what impact this might have on family. When I was 35 and longed for a family, I remember thinking, "When did I choose to put career first? I just did what I was told. I never thought I'd be here worrying that I might never have a family." (Note the following comment from the subject of the article: “That probably did have an influence,” she added, since her mother always encouraged her to get an education and have a career.) So what is the lesson here? I always say, change is good...particularly the massive changes of the last 50 years. But, we now have to work to rebalance the change and pull a new, more effective equilibrium from the fallout.

No doubt many saw last Sunday's NYT article about technology and multi-tasking. On the blog were many comments questioning whether the distractions of technology were in fact making us less efficient. We are a society geared toward production, so it is logical that people's main concern would be the risk to our thinking from multi-tasking.

From a different perspective, two things strike me about this article:

First, the photos show a couple at the breakfast table ignoring each other and talks at length about vacations ruined because of a husband's obsession with technology. So the question is, what is never pausing doing to our relationships? Can we really give one another the kind of support and acknowledgement that we need to grow and thrive when we are listening with one ear and checking email with the other?

Second, why do we all insist on doing everything at once? Many working mothers say, "You can have it all, just not at the same time." Well, whether it's balancing work and family life, getting the next promotion, developing a solid relationship, or traveling the world, focus is such a gift. When we limit ourselves to a few things at a time and avoid spreading ourselves too thin, each experience can be so much fuller and richer. Being present is a wonderful gift to the self.

The New Normal

In the two years that I have been coaching, there are three areas that I have been drawn to. The first, helping women optimize their careers. Finding what they are most passionate about, negotiating salary and title, managing office politics, or developing their own businesses. The second has been helping women find a relationship. I love strategizing about this and helping them overcome the fears and obstacles associated with the process. And the third, largely because of my recent experience, is around maternity leave and the obvious disconnect between the totally inadequate support in Corporate America and the reality that half of the workforce is now women. But for all this time, these topics have seemed so unrelated.

Very recently, however, it has fallen into place. In the last 50 years, there has been massive change in the US, both socially and economically. We saw feminism, civil rights, divorce on a mass scale, layoffs on a mass scale, globalization, geographic mobility, and technology and these movements, while overwhelmingly positive, have destabilized our expectations and ways of doing things. Women have been working alongside men, in the current iteration, for 30+ years. It is time for a merit-based system that finally recognizes womens' management styles and respects our softer negotiating skills. In relationships, people need to stop beating themselves up for struggling to find someone and learn how feminism has shifted how we court. I got this idea from Getting To I Do by Patricia Allen who may seem conservative, but has some very interesting perspectives. And finally, with working mothers now squarely entrenched in work, companies need to see the cost of having them leave in frustration when they could be valued long-term employees.

To me it's no accident that in the last presidential election, both democrats and republicans were talking about the need for a new reality. Our corporate systems were developed by depression and war-era children, and later by baby boomers. The formula was that you worked hard, postponed gratification, and enjoyed a beautiful retirement with your spouse. The problem is that today's middle management and up and comers lived through seeing marriage and lifetime employment go out the window. They don't trust these institutions and are not willing to postpone gratification indefinitely. The massive social, economic and geographic changes have left us with a perfect storm of life challenges, often without the support network of family and friends who understand. We are learning more and more that this new reality does respond favorably to a new kind of support. Life Coaching helps individuals regain control in a sea of uncertainty and pressure, and provides the tools and support to begin living a fulfilling and balanced life, on their terms.

The Good News About Equal Pay

About a month ago, I posted a discussion on my LinkedIn groups about Equal Pay Day that talked about how women still make 77 cents on the dollar compared to men. I don't know about you, but it felt to me first, not quite possible, and second, depressing! How can we fix 23% when we are already working so hard?

So here's the good news. On Friday, May 14th the NY Times published an article about a Harvard research study that says that the real number is closer to 92 cents on the dollar. Hooray! The study addressed the 'not quite possible' piece I'd been stuck on. According to Hannah Riley Bowles, the study's author, 'Part of the pay gap can be easily explained away. Women are more likely to leave the work force to care for children, for example, so they end up with fewer years of experience. Men also tend to work in highter-paying occupations and industries."

So while the article seemed to take a view that it's unfortunate that we still don't negotiate well enough to make up for the $.08, I was so encouraged. I mean really, with a little strategy and planning, can't we learn to negotiate better and close this relatively small gap?

Here is the link to the article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/15/your-money/15money.html

Yesterday I read a great blog in the Huffington Post and wanted to share it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/srinivasan-pillay/how-to-be-determined-and_b_552632.html

The post is about determination, but it's really about pacing yourself. For the last year and a half or so most of us have been living with tremendous uncertainty. Even those who have steady work are seeing how reduced consumer spending is affecting our companies' bottom lines, our 401k's...you know the drill. So, knowing that we still have some distance to run, we need to find a way to pace ourselves for the long haul. I think this coach has some great advice.

Don't Try This at Home!

As a serious non-drug user, I always found the thought of trying LSD and mushrooms titillating, but terrifying. I wanted the experience and learning without what I perceived to be the risk of addiction or losing my mind. An article in this week's NY Times titled "Hallucinogens Have Scientists Tuning In Again" gave me such a kick, and made me realize that I wasn't totally wrong. What the article said reminded me so much of what coaching is about.

Apparently, under controlled conditions, scientists at Johns Hopkins and other universities are finding that patients who have taken hallucinogens have had a profound and lasting change to the way that they view themselves and the world. A fundamental and on-going change in perspective. One patient is quoted as saying, "It was a whole personality shift for me. I wasn't any longer attached to my performance and trying to control things. I could see that the really good things in life will happen if you just show up and share your natural enthusiasms with people." Wow! That is the sentiment that got me.

The idea resonated with me on two levels. First, imagine being able, in a short time, to get out of the ways of thinking that block us? The 'stories' we've told ourselves for years about how things are, what we can and can't do? What a liberating change in perspective! And second, imagine really being yourself, "sharing your natural enthusiasms." People spend so much time and energy creating masks. It's counter-intuitive for most of us, but when we actually let our authentic selves show, we connect so much more easily. And, when the two work together: Being in a perspective of feeling powerful, plus really knowing your authentic self...the possibilities are endless.

The Need for Community

This week I was struck twice by how much people are looking for community. The first time was last Sunday, when I read the New York Times article "Honey, Don't Bother Mommy. I'm Too Busy Building My Brand." I found myself trying to make sense of the number of hits people get by writing about a run in their stocking, or their kid's spilling food all over himself. But the truth is, there is something in the air, a deep need for connection, that makes people want to know that someone out there is going through the same thing they are. My question is, "What is going on that makes everyone think they are the only one, or that what they are doing is strange?" Don't most of us know that if we are doing something, it's probably normal?

My second surprise was going to a charity knitting evening sponsored by a work/family balance life coach here on the Upper West Side. Knitting for charity? I was sure I'd be the only one to show up. But there were five other women there! Sitting with the group was lovely. I was reminded of being in the Hamptons on a rainy Saturday years ago, doing a puzzle with a friend and chatting. The puzzle work was just enough to keep our minds busy, so that we could just be together and talk. It is such a sweet and simple memory, yet it was so powerful.

Is it that our To Do lists keep us engaged in activities that separate us from one another? Is it that we don't put enough importance on connection? Is it that we are so pushed to conforming to fit the corporate workplace, that we can't be ourselves? This entry has more questions than answers. But I do believe that we need to work harder to put ourselves in situations where we can be ourselves, feel supported, and connect on a deeper level.

Olympic Determination

Who doesn't get inspired every four years when they see the incredible achievements at the olympic games? I know I fantasize about having the freedom and support to be totally focused, totally dedicated, and totally determined. But what is it to bring those qualities into our own lives? I remember being 28 years old and seeing the movie, "A Few Good Men". It may seem sentimental, but I happened to be in a serious, determined moment in my life. Thanks to that movie, I acted on a dream I'd had for a long time. Within a couple of weeks, I planned a solo three day bike trip from New York to Boston. With bare bones equipment, a couple of B&B reservations, and the knowledge that I could call home for a ride if I needed to, I took off.

I remember searing pain in my back and legs, joy in seeing the countryside, and incredible satisfaction. I also remember learning one of the lessons I've used repeatedly since. When biking up a long hill, don't look at the top of the hill. Look down at your feet pedaling, or look at the asphalt a few feet in front of your wheel. Just work, push and don't be married to the outcome. Maybe you'll pedal all the way, maybe you'll get off and walk.

There are times in life when we take on olympic size goals. Like having two kids in three years and starting a new business! When I get overwhelmed, I stop, meditate on the cycling, and visualize the road passing under my feet. It always reminds me that I am a determined person, but also that the journey, aching back and all, is the most incredible part.

Women's Conference

Last Friday I was totally inspired at the Columbia Women in Business annual conference. What struck me most was the forward thinking tone. The logo for the conference was a phoenix. And it was called Redefining Business, Reinventing Yourself. Having transitioned in the last couple of years from a very traditional business school/corporate experience, I was thrilled to see a shift towards creating space for newness. The panel discussion I liked most was called Push: Remembering Power, Courage and Dreams in a Challenging Economy. The speakers were highly successful women in their fields. Each had a different story of pushing to the top. But what they all had in common was a love for what they do, incredible self-knowledge, and determination. What they also had was the meta-view, or view from above. These women are visionaries. They don't sit around trying to figure out how to create the next IPod; that is in the past. These women create a void to let ideas and knowledge come. From that, new ideas are created. I am so looking forward to seeing the major new ideas and trends that come as a result of the recession we are in; I believe so much that learning comes from being in action and creating the space for ideas.

December's Atlantic Monthly had a fascinating article about childhood development called The Science of Success http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene. It was long, but the gist of it was that scientists, having long studied the negative effects of difficult children for the potential costs to society, have begun to ask why nature would continue to produce children with these genes. The study provides a fascinating perspective. It suggests that 80% of our society has a normal genetic makeup. These are the dandelions, who can grow pretty much anywhere, and who as a group create a stable society. Then, about 20% have a more fragile genetic constitution and are in the difficult child group. These are orchids. In a bad environment, they will grow up troubled and/or unstable. But in a good environment, they will thrive like an orchid in a hothouse. In fact, not only will they thrive but they can often be credited for a brilliance that leads to major innovation and positive forward change in our society.

What a wonderful light of hope for parents who have an ADD or otherwise difficult child? But, what does it mean for those of us who likely fall into the 80%? America is the land of the American Dream. The, "You can be anything you want to be!" and Rugged Individualist mythology. Here's my perspective. What a relief. To me it means that we can stop spending so much time and energy trying to become the next Bill Gates, Warren Buffet or Bruce Springstein and just be ourselves. But it also means a different kind of work. Really taking a look at yourself and being yourself every day is hard work when we've spent so much time just reacting to others' agendas. Think about what this would mean in your life.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene


http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200912/dobbs-orchid-gene

Re-creation

This Christmas we headed to Vermont for a week of skiing. I bundled up and set my sights on the mountain, my only agenda to have fun. I fell in the snow teaching my daughter how to ski, we were delighted and a little scared (mostly her) on the chair lift, and we giggled all the way down as she skied in between my legs. On my own I skied as fast and hard as I could on the steep hills, softly and gently on some easier ones, and jelly-like on the moguls.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines recreation as "The process or means of refreshing or entertaining oneself" or, "A pleasurable activity." I like the part about refreshing oneself, but I like even better the definition just above on the page: Re-create, "Create or produce over again." Coaches use the Wheel of Life a lot. In it is one section titled Fun and Recreation. The truth is that recreation is not optional. We need it. It's also not something that we can reason ourselves out of. Coaches also come from the perspective that people being coached are extremely resourceful. When we are given the space to play, rest and have fun, we re-create ourselves and replenish our resources. What a great way to increase productivity!