Affirmations

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!" Who doesn't chuckle when you think of Stuart Smalley.  Affirmations can sound funny, but they are a powerful tool.  They can be used to change the way others view us, to push us to perform in our areas of strength, or to bring awareness to the ways in which we undermine ourselves.

I often ask my clients to choose an affirmation that they tell themselves five times a day, and say it to someone else at least two times a day.  What they come back with is impressive.  One client whose organization had merged and was being treated like an outsider chose the line, "I am different.  And I am ok with that."  She used it with one of the colleagues who was being a bully in a meeting and it stopped him dead in his tracks.  By naming the very thing he was using to manipulate, she took back the power.  He apologized immediately for his behavior.

 In "Expect to Win," Carla Harris famously used the affirmation, "I'm tough!" to shift the perception that she was too gentle for the banking environment she works in.  And a recent  article I read suggested that women's frequent use of "I'm sorry!" as a tic can actually have an effect on our confidence and people's perception of our authority.

Want to give it a try?  Here are some guidelines:

• What is something you know you are good at and want to be known for?
• ...something you are good at but others don't seem to see?
• ...something you wish you were better at?
• ...something unspoken in your office that you can bust open by just saying it?
• ...a habit you say that undermines you.  How about stopping or replacing it?

Good luck!  Please share your experiences in the comment section.

Girls Will Be Girls

Yesterday I attended a six-year old "Eloise at the Plaza" birthday with my daughter.  While I wouldn’t want her to think every day is like that, I found it fun, charming, and surprisingly gracious.  Nevertheless, there was one moment when I found myself stifling a very self-conscious belly laugh --  the moment seemed almost surreal.  The girls, about 15 of them, had gotten to dress up into fairy and princess dresses, then came out from behind a curtain and did a catwalk, one by one, while the parents cheered and took photos.  The mom and girl in me thought it was all good fun.  I caught my daughter’s eye when it was her turn, and gave her a thumbs’ up.  

It was the professional woman in me who was blushing red.  We fight so hard to be taken seriously, and yet I can hardly deny that even at a very young age, so many of us love the attention that comes from physical beauty, pageantry and the social graces.  How do we reconcile the different roles we play?  

Let’s put aside, for a moment, the pay and power gaps we are still working to reduce and eliminate.  The reality is that so many high-achieving women today are having to synthesize the demands of very different roles.  At work we need to be unemotional and authoritative, but many of us crave the cherishing attention that comes from being more emotional and less authoritative in our personal lives.  To me, there is learning here.  It's true, we have to manage outside impressions to come across as professional.  But when we only focus on those, we don't get in touch with what really resonates for us.

There is an exercise I do with many of my clients, where we take a long look at different perspectives on work, relationships, motherhood, or whatever is important for them.  It is a great way for them to get in alignment with their core values, even the girly-girl stuff that doesn't fly at work.  I find that this exercise can ease so much of the stress of pressured lives.  We will always need to bounce between our various roles.  If we can do it by being true to ourselves, it can make all the difference.

Community and Rituals

This weekend I attended a six-year old birthday with my daughter.  All of the usual things were there -- pin the tail on the donkey, cake, goodie bags.  But there was something special about this one.  The parents were really present; the prep was done and they were calm and available.  They created the party for the parents too, not just the kids.  They seemed to have a ritual for entertaining, and it translated to everyone having a really nice time and connecting really easily.

This idea of community, connection and ritual has been with me a lot lately.  Whether it is the "Bringing Up Bebe" book, the way Marcella Hazan talks about the rituals around Italian eating in her famous "Classic Italian Cook Book," or yesterday's ironic article "The Outsourced Life" in the New York Times, we seem to be wanting the rituals and community that seem so present in many other countries.  These rituals are what make the fabric of community, culture, and civilization and to have to go it alone is "pushing water uphill" kind of work.  And that work largely falls on women, often working mothers.

America rates higher, by far, than any other country on metrics of individuality (versus collectivism) and tolerance of uncertainty (versus uncertainty avoidance)*.  This means that the American dream is alive and well; we can be and do anything we want to.  But it also means that there is not much energy dedicated to the rituals that support manners, meal time, community, volunteer work and so many other little things that fall on the shoulders of mothers, often working mothers.  It occurs to me that when women talk about work-life balance, part of their longing for a level of support that they can hardly articulate.  The reality is that flex-time and tele-commuting only go so far.  Whether it's the weekend bar-b-cue where everyone has a part, the dinner where kids and dad pitch in and set the table, or the person on the bus who gently reaches out to help a toddler to his seat or asks him to use an "inside voice."  Imagine what would be possible if this rich fabric were in place.

*see Geert Hofstede's work on National Dimensions of Culture.

Women's Networks

I found this week's New York Times article, "The Spirit of Sisterhood is in the Air and on the Air" quite interesting in the context of today's work world.  According to the article, women thrive when we are collaborative and support one another.  In fact, from this approach, we are the glue of society. That support is exactly what the women's networks of large banks, consultancies and other organizations seek to create.

The corporate cultures we live in today were largely developed by men in the early to middle part of the 20th century.  Within them is often an assumption of achievement, competition and an "each man for himself" way of thinking.  Interestingly, since the feminist movement, women have come to identify with the same sense of achievement men have.  When I talk to my client base of mid-career women, I consistently hear, "I want to maintain a key decision-making role even though I have/want a family."  So we are pulled in two ways:  One is our instinct to nurture and support one another, and the other is the desire to get ahead.

In coaching we call this competing values.  We want two things at once that seem to be in conflict with each other.  What can we do to resolve it?  The first step is to acknowledge both.  As women, we need to acknowledge our need for a nurturing type of support, even at work.  It doesn't mean we will get it, but it does mean we might stop blaming ourselves for not being as "tough" as some work cultures push us to be. This seems small, but it is critical.  Once we acknowledge what we need to be in alignment, we stop making decisions from a place of compromise.

The second step is to get informed.  There is a book I love on corporate strategy that reads like the playbook swiped from the men's locker-room, Carla Harris's, "Expect to Win."  It helps take the emotion and mystery out of navigating company politics.  The third step is to create small networks of trusted friends and colleagues.  These can be within your organization, or outside, but they need to support you.  And finally, be in choice - know when you will honor the competitor in you and when you will honor the girlfriend.  We need both.

Macchiato and Personal Leadership

This past week, on vacation in Virginia, I asked for a macchiato at a Starbucks. We were starting a long drive and had had a big lunch, so espresso with a small splash of milk seemed just right. What I got instead was a 16oz. cafe latte with an ounce of caramel syrup, topped with whipped cream and cinnamon. I was so taken aback, that I had to Wiki "Macchiato" when I got home.

What does this moment have to do with personal leadership? To me it is around the assumptions that we make. How often in life do we take something at face value, only to find that the light pick-me-up is actually a heavy, sleep-inducer, and not that good for us? And how often to we skip over questioning the visions that others create for us? This is at the heart of personal leadership and of being in the driver's seat in our lives.

Women today, especially high-achievers, are faced with images that I believe are distorted. Whether it is the 1950's mom who cooks all day and is still patient and loving at every turn, the unflappable employee who makes every promotion and bounces from one great opportunity to the next, or the part-time working mom who is hyper-efficient every day. Amazingly, we take these all on at once, without realizing that each one, on its own, is near-impossible to achieve. It is a nine car pile-up that leaves us frustrated at best, depleted and down at worst.

Here's an idea. How about taking a look at the assumptions that you make. If you are a mother, what is most important to you in motherhood? What was the same, and different, from your own mother? At work, do you really want the next promotion just because it's there? If you could write your own career path, what would it look like? And in the comparison game, what is your unique combination of interests and values that makes it OK to be just you? I would love to hear what you come up with.

The Enemy Within

I have a fear of flying. It started when I was 28 and peaked in my early 30's. It is a frustrating fear because I consider myself to be an intelligent person. Over the years I have spent a lot of energy managing this fear and now, with advanced preparation, I fly with only a low-level of discomfort. At the heart of my success in overcoming this fear is the understanding that the symptoms (panic, shortness of breath, heightened sense of hearing) have nothing to do with the reality. The plane will land safely. The fear is a separate force that I can manage. I find it worth it to fight for this perspective; thanks to my efforts, I get enjoy the pleasures of seeing family and friends, and experiencing new places.

Imagine my life if I caved to my fear. No travel, no exploration, no friends and family. Sounds ridiculous, right? Yet every day we risk making similar concessions because we don't a) acknowledge our fears and b) see them for what they are: separate from reality. When talking about fear, some coaches refer to gremlins or saboteurs, some to limiting beliefs. I love the word saboteur, because our fears really do sabotage our progress and our dreams. They sound like, "What if I get promoted and they realize that I can't do the job?" or "What if I get a new job and realize that I don't like it and have to re-neg?" or "Why would I be the one? There are other people much smarter (prettier, more engaging, etc) who will surely get that job (promotion, guy, etc)." Think of all the resumes not sent, the networking events skipped, the opportunities overlooked.

Some signs that saboteurs are lurking are: procrastination, laziness or lack of motivation, constant overwhelm, or working too hard in an area separate from where we are looking to make progress. How do we fight them? In one of the Harry Potter books, the professor made the kids visualize their worst fear, then wave their wand at it and say, "Ridiculous!"

The key is to first imagine, or recognize the fear. What are the things that go off in your head when you think of making a change or taking on a new project? What is the self-judgement behind the fear? Write it down. The next step is to analyze it. Where does the belief come from? A fear of failure may come from having high standards. A fear of looking stupid may come from a complex knowledge of the topic at hand. These are good things. Think about seeing the positive in the fear. Then, like in Harry Potter, simply poke fun at it. In my training*, we learned to imagine the saboteur as a real character, to write its biography, ask ourselves what feeds it, what it does when we are not around, and what threatens it. There is a thought -- what threatens it. Chances are, what threatens our gremlins is being open, gathering information, making steady progress, taking action, etc, etc.

I will leave you with one thought: What is on the other side of your fear that you really, really want? What do you want that would make it worth it to face your fears?

*Coach Training Institute, San Rafael, CA

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!

Next weekend my husband and I leave with our two small children for a week of sightseeing and camping, which means planning, packing, and getting the taxes done by Friday. I have events on Tuesday and Thursday, homework for a fantastic 8-week course I am taking (NadineNicolson.com), plus the regular work I do for my clients and business. Oh, and none of the camping trip has been reserved. Oh, and my husband is in a crunch time at work.

Officially overwhelmed! Here are my favorite tips for dealing with the times when I feel overwhelmed:

1. Take a deep breath. Meditation won't get the work done. However, it will help manage the anxiety that builds up and gets in the way of clear thought (see Daniel Goleman's "Emotional Intelligence"). I usually find a quiet time and place, take a few long, deep breaths and visualize something that will guide me. The visual can be "me at my best," or an element of nature that is calm, or powerful. However it is I want to feel as I take on the situation.
2. Perspective Wheel. This is from Coach Training Institute, where I did my training. An add-on to the staying calm bit, this is a way to see different sides of the situation. Write down the situation from as many points of view as you can. You can start with the doom and gloom, but then consider more positive ones. Maybe you are here because all of your hard work has gotten you to a place of increased responsibility. Or maybe the perspective from you, one year from now, calm and accomplished. Then, write your To Do list from the perspective you most want to be in. Taking action from that perspective will help make it the reality.
3. Do a time check. Rather than begin with a To Do list, I take a look at the calendar and see how many hours I actually have to dedicate to the tasks. This will help me prioritize. It will also help me say no to requests that may come up this week and eat into the time I do have. Here is more on the Time Capsule method.
4. Prioritize. There is a great tool from Stephen Covey for helping decide the most critical tasks. It is called the Time Management Matrix and helps articulate the tasks that don't feel urgent, but are important, from those that are time wasters. I love this tool.
5. Cluster tasks. Do like things with like things. Making calls, whatever the purpose, can be done together. Doing research, responding to emails, etc. We use less mental energy when we switch around less. Plus, if you can leave yourself chunks of three to four hours of free time, it allows you wiggle room.
6. Schedule Email! Choose two or three times in the day when you will dedicate 15-30 minutes for reading and responding to email. Do not let the email stream in!
7. Give Yourself Permission. Do the best you can and give yourself the OK to be happy with whatever outcome happens. Chances are that you are much, much more productive than you realize or typically give yourself credit for.

Good luck!

Critical Junctures

This weekend I watched "Young Adult" with Charlize Theron. It is by the writer of Juno and was much more thoughtful than I expected. It is about a woman who at 37, hates her job and can't find a good relationship. The movie tells the story of her going a little crazy for a little while as she makes some bad choices.

What struck me is just how common and relatable a story hers is. It is quite common for adults to reach a transitional stage around 28-30. We have proven ourselves and learned early professional skills, then begin to want to focus more fully on what we are really good at. Layer in the effect of the women's movement on our career aspirations, and the delay of marriage and motherhood, and you have a perfect storm. We look successful on paper, but feel frustrated and lost inside.

How do you avoid making bad choices? How do you know when a new job, boyfriend or project is really just a delaying tactic? How do you know when it's time to let go and either ask for help or really shift your strategy? I believe that we do it when we are ready. And the answer is part introspection, part strategy and information gathering. Either way, it begins with an awareness of the situation and really being kind to ourselves. It is not our fault, but the decision to make a change is ours to make. This morning I found a link to some tools that can be a starting point http://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/Free_Resources.php

The Women We Want to Be

Last Monday I was invited to participate in a book club meeting on the book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter," which talks about the ways in which the Disney marketing machine influences our children. The conversation was rich, and opinions ranged from those who felt that we have more control than the book suggests, to those who felt that we don't. Nevertheless, what struck me as we talked is that it is difficult to evaluate how we want our daughters to be when they grow up, because we don't know who we want to be.

Women's roles have been evolving like a runaway train. They are still evolving. Our mothers and aunts can't always help us navigate the context we are living in. So why wouldn't we feel a bit uncertain about which values we stress as we bring up our daughters? Should be make sure they are self-reliant? Should we teach them strong relationship skills? My guess is that the answers are as varied as we are. I believe that a very good starting point is to ask ourselves a few questions about who we are.

• When you look back, what will be the most important to you about your relationship to your friends and family? To your work?
• What are the core values that govern your life? A great exercise to do yourself is the "Invite 12 people to dinner" exercise. Describe what it is about each one, and find the common values.
• What do you do easily and well? In what activities do you lose track of time? How can you incorporate more of that at work? In your personal life?
• When you look back on your life, what is the impact you want to have had on your work, family, and community?

This is just a quick start, but I do believe that with all of the possibilities we have at our disposal today, it is up to us to align ourselves with what makes us sing.

Mr. Right

I would love to hear others' experiences on this topic. This is a post about the power of effective listening and one of the biggest obstacles in its path. How often do you find yourself "listening" to someone, only to be formulating your response as they speak? As work it can sound like, "Yeah, great idea; what I really thing we should be doing is..." In personal relationships, it can sound like, "Wow, that's just like what happened to me. Let me tell you..."

Any good manager, salesperson or parent will tell you that one of the best ways to influence others is to first listen. In fact, one of the best ways to make a person think you are really, really smart is to listen more than you talk. So why don't we do it all the time?

One of the biggest reasons is our need to be right. Sometimes it comes from ego, or from a feeling that we don't respect or value the other person's opinion. Most often, however, it comes from the fear of being wrong. From our earliest school years right up into our work life, we are taught that we need to have the answer. And that being wrong makes us vulnerable. Why wouldn't we feel pressure to be right? On top of that, people can't talk nearly as fast as we can think (that is a fact), which means that we have plenty of time to be thinking about what we are going to say while someone is speaking to us.

Here are some tips on letting go of being right and being a better listener:

1) Take an active listening stance. Put away computer and phone, make eye contact, and make gentle nods or verbal acknowledgements.

2) Paraphrase. Repeat what the person said in a slightly different way. This doesn't mean begin every sentence with, "I hear you...but..." If you were responding to this post, it would sound like, "Wow, Claire. I can see that you think that listening is important."

3) Let go! Take a deep breath and decide to be OK with not having the answer, and with letting the other person have the floor. If you notice yourself beginning to formulate, just let the thought go out of your mind and refocus on what the other person is saying.

In this scenario I would ask my clients to give it a try and notice what happens. There is so much to learn in the noticing. Will you give it a try?

I Don't Know What I Want!

Clients come to coaching with different needs. Some know what they want and just need to know how to get it. Some know what they want, but won't admit it or are afraid of going for it. And many come saying that they really don't know what they want. This weekend I was re-reading Richard Florida's "The Rise of the Creative Class." He is an author of social trends and economics with some striking perspectives about the dramatic ways life has changed since the 1950's. To my mind, they are ways that can make it challenging to know what we want.

Talking about the 1950's versus today, he says:

"Very few of us work for the same large company or organization for life, and we are far less likely to pin our identity or sense of self-worth on whom we work for. We balance financial considerations against the ability to be ourselves, set our own schedules, do challenging work and live in communities that reflect our values and priorities."

We know that we are pulled in many directions in terms of what we want. But what makes it even more confusing, is that some of us are trying to navigate this new reality using the tools that our baby boomer or "greatest generation" parents taught us. We are living in an era where passion, innovation and self-expression drive success, but are trying to use security, a paternalistic organization and convention to figure out what that is.

If we don't go with the old way, how can we shake out what drives us? There are many ways. Myers-Briggs and other diagnostic tests can be effective. Coaches use visioning tools to get at core values. Just thinking about a few peak experiences in your life can be a great start.

Talk to Her

Lately I have been thinking about how to speak to women. I have a coaching practice that is almost exclusively women. And I spent 18 years in fragrance sales and marketing. So it seems natural that I should be interested in how to reach today's professional woman. Yet it is confusing. The same people who want to work on women's issues -- retaining more women in mid-career, work-life balance -- also seem to shy away from the prospect of reaching out to them directly. And sometimes, the events that are most likely to appeal to women, are under-attended. How do you speak to serious professional women in a way that appeals to our feminine side? I have often suspected that the answer might come from the fashion-cosmetics-retail world, where women are able to be comfortable in their femininity.

Which is why I was so excited to find a cool voice in "The View from the Top" in the Marie-Claire @Work supplement and to read about Joanna Coles in this weekend's NYT Styles section. I love this perspective. Instead of focusing on the plight of professional women, or the challenges of work-life balance, the Marie Claire article reads like any other winner talking about the spoils of victory. Natalie Massenet, Nancy Dubuc and Carolyn Everson all talk about enjoying being powerful and having a seat at the table. It reads like an article on Richard Branson or Steve Jobs. How lovely! If this is the next voice of feminism, I'm all in.

What Would You Do If You Knew You Couldn't Fail?

Please share your thoughts...

Years ago I read a book on international business theory. It said that in Europe, young executives can take more risks and make the mistakes needed to learn because once they are selected from a top school, it is assumed they will reach top management. That freedom, the book theorized, made these individuals and the companies they work for more creative, driving innovation. Conversely in the United States, we assume that we can be fired at any time, for any mistake, and that can be crippling to our creativity and ability to perform.

Discussions of the relative health of European vs. US systems aside, it does bring up a fascinating question. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What would you say that you don't dare say now? What unique part of yourself would you show more of at work? What effect would this have on your output?

Once when I was stuck trying to write a workshop proposal, my friend Jacinta asked me this very question. She provided a critical change in perspective that allowed me to be myself and be OK with "good enough" for now. That shift got me unstuck and I was able to overcome the gremlins and stop procrastinating. It got me gathering information that would help me, instead of sitting there thinking, "If I were really good, I would just know."

Here is an exercise. Think of a time when you know (or knew), that you can't fail. Work or personal. What is present when you feel that strength and confidence? Who are you in those moments? What is the impact you are having?

How about taking another look at 2012 from this place? What will be different?

The Limits of Willpower

This month, December 31st actually, my husband and I started a vegan weight loss diet. We did it for weight loss, for increased energy, and because as older parents, we want to stay healthy for our children as long as we can.

THIS DIET IS A LOT OF WORK. Creating the shopping list for the first week's meal plan took over two hours. For the shopping itself, I spent more than an hour in the produce section of Fairway, and 30% more than my usual weekly grocery budget. All of this even before the chopping began.

Where am I going with all this? Well, dieting is probably one of the areas where people most often talk about willpower. Specifically, about the willpower to not eat even though you are hungry. Yet as anyone who has effectively lost and kept off weight knows, it is biologically impossible to resist real hunger when it happens. To really lose weight, we must inform ourselves, do the work, and notice the results. That is the only way to change habits. So it's not about resisting under duress. It is about resisting the inertia to even try. It is about taking a leap of faith and doing the work (in this case the shopping and chopping) without focusing on the outcome.

Do you now see where I am going? Whether it is weight loss, job promotion, different communication with friends and colleagues, so often we want to know exactly how it will go before we try. We want proof. As someone who has been coached and who coaches others, I know that the only way we can change habits is by actually doing something different, trying a new path, even when we don't know where it will lead.

Wonder Woman

What does it take to be a Wonder Woman in business? Each of us brings life experiences and personal responsibilities to the work place. That combined with our business education and personal drive enables us to accomplish amazing things.

But, it's not that easy for women -- especially when life and the economy get in the way; and when companies reorganize, downsize, spin off and merge. Unfortunately gender-bias is often part of the picture, not to mention a lack of corporate support. The result generates turmoil that can push the most career-minded professional off-track. As women, how do we retain our momentum and focus? How do we move forward successfully?

My next Columbia Business School Alumni Club event, Wonder Woman, on Thursday January 19th, is the outcome of my personal experience and my experience coaching high achieving professional women in mid-career. My own triumphs and tribulations as a cosmetics executive naturally led me to this demographic.

From a personal perspective, my last years in cosmetics were challenging. My company, which I loved, was acquired the day I left for my first maternity leave. I came back to a new company, a new boss, and a workforce that was apprehensive of layoffs. I never really clicked with new superiors, felt unsupported in the organization, and was dealing with the new challenges of balancing work and motherhood. After a year and a half I quit and started my coaching business.

While the details vary, I have heard the same theme repeated over and over by friends, colleague and clients. Women in mid-career, shortly after starting a family, begin to get derailed at work.

Fast forward three years. I gathered a group of professional women, mostly CBS graduates, for a focus group/discussion around women, career and gender bias. I fully expected to hear outrageous stories. What I observed instead surprised me.

Several women talked at length about the obstacles that gender bias created at their work. A few, though, spoke differently about these experiences. Even though they acknowledged that gender differences occasionally worked against them, they took charge, read a book or got coached, adapted their behavior, and moved on. Successfully.

Coming out of the focus group, I immediately thought of Stephen Covey's concepts of a Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern. It's not that the women citing and fixating on gender bias were wrong; gender bias is ubiquitous. Yet for most of us, it is in our Circle of Concern. It exists, but we can't do much about it. That is, until we begin to expand our Circle of Influence.

Men and women are both vulnerable to complaining about things we can't really fix. However, women display a critical difference. We are more likely to blame ourselves for things we are not responsible for. Judith Warner, among others, talks about it in her book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. Just about any woman you talk to will say the same. So how do we take on the right amount of responsibility? What can we expect in the workplace, and what is beyond the scope of what corporations can or should do?

Next Thursday's discussion will address this very topic. We will have a transparent dialogue with experienced executives and workforce specialists to understand how each of us can make the decisions that are best for us.

The Forest Beyond the Trees

A friend and former colleague sent me an article about a rose oil distilled in space that smelled different than the same oil distilled on earth. It made me think about context and how much it influences us. Specifically, it made me think about how difficult it can be to see where we are in the scheme of things, and to understand what the real possibilities for change are.

Where do you begin when you want to make a change in your career or life? One great place is with a simple wheel of life (check out on-line). That can give you some perspective about how you feel about the various elements of your life.

This month in my newsletter I provided a list of my favorite resources for figuring out what you want, what is possible, and how to tackle resistance to change. I am happy to share these. Please send me a request via my website www.clearstrategycoaching.com.

Have a wonderful 2012!