When Inaction Poses the Greatest Risk

Last Monday's New York Times had an article entitled "When Self-Knowledge is only the Beginning" about the limits of self-awareness. I love what this article says -- that knowing why you are stuck or depressed doesn't, in an of itself, resolve the problem. This goes to the heart of coaching. Coaches assume that you need to take different action to get different outcomes.

If you are having trouble balancing work and life, it's not enough to know that your very demanding parents made it impossible for you to leave the office until midnight. To solve the issue, you have to set limits with your boss and stick to them. This can be very uncomfortable, but the learning is immense. The same goes with getting into relationships. Knowing that you don't trust men/women because an opposite sex parent was unavailable won't, in and of itself, make you date with ease. You need to change habits and approach, and then evaluate what you learn from it.

One of the most important things a coach does is to support a client through this process of changing habits. It is natural to hit obstacles and roadblocks when we try to do things differently. And so often we take an impediment as proof that the change isn't working. We give up. A good coach helps the client see the learning, keep the faith, and ultimately expand the successful new behavior.

Cooking With Earplugs

A few weeks ago, between her birthday in early December and Christmas, my daughter had a bad couple of days. She was overstimulated with gifts, sweets, anticipation, expectation and reality. One evening after 36 hours of almost constant whining or tantrums, and repeated attempts to soothe her, I checked out. Making dinner, I decided I just needed a few minutes to regain my composure. So I cooked with earplugs in. It muffled the noise just enough so that I could think straight and make dinner.

I bring it up because I just know there's a beautiful metaphor in here. Specifically, I believe, it is around taking away limiting beliefs, or the constant noise, so that we can think straight and get a clear understanding of what we want, in and for our lives. I think that we underestimate the pressure of the discourse that makes us maintain the status quo. Whether it's corporate America and the focus on "areas for improvement," our own stories handed down from our families of origin, or the constant badgering from the media, the "can't do it" messages are powerful. Many of us think that we are stronger than these influences. Worse, we blame ourselves when we aren't able to rise above them. Yet when the messages are as loud and urgent as a crying child, it is almost impossible to shut them out.

One of the first things I do with clients is to hand them metaphorical earplugs. By shutting out the noise, and only by shutting out the noise, can we take the first step towards imagining what it would feel like to truly be alive.

Professional Eating

In December I had lunch with a friend who is a professional chef who specializes in organic, fresh cooking. She suggested Kinshop in Greenwich Village. It was delicious and we had a wonderful time. A couple of weeks later, I had lunch there with my husband and while the food was delicious again, the experience lacked the transcendental quality that it had with Katy. Sorry Sean.

It got me to thinking about what it means to be a professional at cooking and eating, and what lessons a coach can infer from it. Eating with my friend is so much about process. We didn't spend our time fussing over the flavors and ingredients, though we did notice and acknowledge them. We let the food be a part, but only a part, of the whole. Equally important were the conversation, the manners and rituals that honored the great cooking, and the flow of the meal.

So what it is to let connection, ritual and flow live in what we do? At work? In social life? In leisure? Some people are happy to run on a treadmill at the gym with all of its odors and loud music. I can't help feeling that a bike ride or run, with a friend, at our own pace, by the river is so much more pleasant. The light, air and beauty of nature are so nourishing. And exercising so that we feel renewed and refreshed, not exhausted, is so exhilarating. Letting process and substance work creates rhythms that are sustainable, that actually strengthen and don't deplete us.